Change.

When I turn away, I leave everything forever. I leave behind my childhood, my friends, life as I know it. My comfort is shattered by change, and I know it'll never be the same again. Though it's inevitable, something I've really been looking forward to as a child, I realize that my home is where I want to stay. I want to keep the friends that I've made, I want to live the life I've lived for the last 18 years. I don't want change to come, and I don't want to deal with a new life. I've always had a difficult time with change. Perhaps change is what helps me move on. It helps me to move on from the dramas I've needed to create in my head, gives me a breath of fresh air in a dusty house I've stayed in all my life.

And that's where I think I want change, but a drastic one. To fall off the face of the earth for awhile is the kind of change that I'd like. To go travel and see new faces without having to deal with the old. I get tired of always having to deal with the drama and the people who make the drama. I'm tired of the same old lifestyle.

Have you ever felt this way? Contradicted? If I ever left, it would always have to be in the heat of the moment, or I'd lose my adrenaline and reason for doing so. I'm sucked back into my comfortable bubble and I'm drugged on the smooth rhythm of the life I've always lived.

Does this mean change is bad? To leave old friends and to see that things will never really be the same between you again? To see time take its toll and break friendships that had been sworn to last forever?

Or is it good? To meet new people and see new faces and experience new experiences? To let go of the old friends that don't last and make new ones to hopefully last longer? It's questions and conflicts like these that roll around in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one...

My Experience with Books

Reading has always been a big part of my life. I've read books ranging from mystery to thriller to romance to adventure and to a little bit of everything. Children's, adults, youths, I've read a lot. Not most of them, because really, how many books are there in the world? But I've come to realize that what I read, or at least what I'm interested in reading, always has to do with my yearning for something. For what I want in my life.

For example, when I was in elementary school, I wanted to have adventure in my life, and I wanted to travel to different places and time periods. So I indulged in books like The Boxcar Children series, The Jungle Book, Charles Dickens' books, fiction books about King Arthur's adventures, and all the books that were on the mystery section in my elementary school's library shelf. I was able to disappear into another world. I suppose that's another thing that the Harry Potter series brought to me too, only I read it when I was older.

In junior high I wanted to have someone to compare myself to. Someone that could relate with me. And I found that in Holden Caulfield in The Catcher in the Rye. I felt it was like a book written with me as the character. Confused, conflicted, having a need to be pure but wanting to break out at the same time. I also wanted romance, which, and I am now disgusted, but it came to me in Twilight. I'm sickened just hearing the title now, but back then I loved the idea of just being loved and protected. Obviously that changed when my favorite character was rejected and the fourth book came out. Enough said.

In high school I wanted romance. So romance is what I read. I didn't go delve into the erotica or those books with sex and all. Just fluffy romance. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Reading fanfiction has been my secret obsession. Because of that I've read romance of all sorts. Bad boy, good boy, secret romance, dangerous romance, seductive, careful, adventurous, careless. I've read stories of unrequited love (much of which I have experienced), of stories full of angst and mystery. It's pathetic, really. As I grew older and matured (thankfully) I still wanted romance, but I wanted something deeper with more meaning. Something that would move me. So I moved onto Plato's Allegory of the Cave, Machiavelli (thanks to my English teacher), and The Alchemist, poetry, and The Road. I became more in-tune with different writing styles and became more aware of structure rather than just story.

But of course, I have my favorites. One of them will always be The Princess Bride. It's the perfect blend of all the categories I stated above. It's a great book by William Goldman. If you haven't seen the movie with Cary Grant and Robin Wright, it's fantastic (and you're slightly behind). But honestly, to me the book is better, though they're practically identical. It's just fantastic. So yes! I recommend The Princess Bride by William Goldman. It's a great read, 500 or so pages, and so worth it for someone who's into those tales of true love and high adventure. And Goldman puts in his witty humor into it too which is so entertaining. Take a read!

Beauty? Where?

Sometimes I wish my life could be more exciting, like that of a movie star or a celebrity. But I’m not them and I don’t live their lives, so I have to make do with what I have. Excitement comes in the form of a new book or a new haircut. Occasionally it comes in a lovely gift or a new cooking recipe my family tries out (I can’t cook for my life, so it wouldn’t be me trying it). It only lasts for at least a day or two, and then I fall back into my monotonous life. Sometimes those excitements make me glad I live in the life I do, but on a day-to-day basis, I wish for something else. But as the Christmas season begins, I realize that I would never change my life for another’s. It’s just, well, my life. And though I’m probably brooding on this subject too much, I’m glad for it, and I know Thanksgiving has passed already, but I’m thankful for my family and friends in my life, and I think I should be thankful for them every day. I know I may be just a regular 5’6” teenager who goes to a college no one knows about and doesn’t have the hundreds of friends other people may have, but I’m happy. I’m happy with myself and my life and my family and my friends, and what more could I ask for? In the words of an anonymous wise person, happiness never comes to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. What I already have is good, and I appreciate it for what it is. I am not Emma Watson and I am not J.K. Rowling, but I am who I am, and that is little ol’ me. I think everyone should appreciate themselves for who they are. A person can’t be as thin as they’d like, or as smart or as good-looking as the celebrity they idolize, but every person is different and is beautiful in their own way. Call it a bunch of narcissistic crap, but I believe it, and I wish that everyone could believe it. Beauty comes in so many different forms; it only takes a moment to know that there is beauty in every person you meet. Doesn’t that just add more excitement into life knowing that?

Lovely.

I love them all so much. Well, the order they're in is the order I love them, from most at the top to least on the bottom. Ah.

Élévation

Above the valleys and above the meres,
over woods and mountains, clouds and ocean, past
the sun, the depths of ether, and the vast
utmost boundaries of the starry spheres,

my spirit, you are nimble in your flight,
like a good swimmer blissful in the billow;
gaily through the profound void you furrow
with an ineffable and male delight.

Fly far away from these unhealthful vapors,
go purify yourself in loftier air,
drinking, like a pure and heavenly liquor,
the limpid space that brims with shining fire.

Beyond the boredoms, the immense chagrins
which weight our foggy lives with their dark burden,
happy is he who can with vigorous wings
win to the serene and radiant gardens;

happy the man whose thoughts, like blithe larks flying
in the skies of morning, freely use their powers
—who, hovering over life, knows without trying
the tongues of silent things and of the flowers.

-Charles Baudelaire

People know what's up.

HARRY POTTER and the Deathly Hallows

Trevor?


I love the trio now. This movie made me love them so much more.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS (part 1)
Must I say more? It was amazing, magnificent, splendid, wonderful, exciting, SO exciting, and so, so awesome. I want to see it again! And I have developed a bit of an infatuation with Ronald Weasley now! He's just so...adorable in this film!!! I was paying attention to the camerawork too (thanks, film class) and it was also magnificent. I loved all the cuts. And if I'm ever in a situation where I'm on the run (like I ever will be) I'd totally want a friend like Hermione Granger. Oh my gosh. Who doesn't want to marry Emma Watson? Anyone?

And the Deathly Hallows; coolest symbol ever! I got it on my hand now :D If I ever got a tattoo I think that's the symbol I'd get. HARRY POTTER!!! Oh man. My love didn't get too much screen time (he really only said one line too) but it's okay. He'll have a somewhat bigger part in the next one (8 months! My goodness!). But he's taking the backseat to Ronald Weasley. Ahhhh! I just want to say BE MY FRIEND! LIKE ME!!!! LOOK AT MEE!!! I'm becoming one of those fan girls. I must stop! Ah! I'm never going to get married. These kinds of boys just ruin it for me! Either perfect onscreen or perfect off. I don't know, I hate celebrities. They ruin real guys for me!

But yes, I'm going to see Harry Potter again when I get back. Who cares if I have to pay 11 bucks to see it? I'm going to watch it again!!! I'm such a Potter nerd! I was seriously thinking about getting the Slytherin locket, but after that movie I was like, uh, no way haha. I like what my friend said about this series too. My generation/age group grew up with the HP books and movies, and as we grew and matured, the movies are maturing as well. Let me tell you, there was some romance and some nudity in this movie. Kind of gross. And also, I don't think I can really write about killing people anymore. I can't even imagine war, and I never want to. I feel like death is such a...I don't know, it seems so tragic, especially when you're killed. It makes me sad. Watching it onscreen made me cringe. There was a lot of death and blood.

But man, what a bloody good movie! I felt like talking in a British accent all day today. I'm not even joking when I say I want to live in England for a few years. I guess I should probably go visit first, but you know. I'm definitely going to go to England in a span of three years. That's the limit I'm giving myself. Either study abroad, or if that doesn't work out (my goodness, I pray that it does!) for sure I'm going to go on my own time. But I really don't just want to visit, I want to live there! I just love cultural differences so much! I love it! I don't know how to explain myself in words. Knowing that there are other cultures that didn't grow up the same way I did is just so interesting to me! Especially European cultures. Well, anyway, Harry Potter! Good movie! Wooh!

Self-Reflection

I had a little self-reflexive moment today after watching Fight Club. The narrator had two personalities, and it reminded me a little of me. Some days I can’t stand myself. I just want to beat myself up, beat in a little less common sense and a little more daring. I seek adventure, but I don’t want it. I want to live dangerously, but I don’t want to get hurt. I want to live at the edge of a cliff, but I want a secure feeling that I won’t fall off. I want to drive fast through the night with the assurance I won’t crash. I play with fire, but I don’t want to get burned. Who am I? That’s the question. What do I want? I have an answer. I want to live on the edge, dabble in sin, leave my fears and inhibitions behind. I want to be irresponsible for once, I want to leap into nothingness and hope something catches me. I want to fly like an eagle, even if I may fall like a stone. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to change. Maybe I should say my life sucks, because it smells of old books and rotting vegetables. It sounds like a ticking watch going and going and going and me not doing anything about it. It smells like stagnation. I want to taste the salt of the earth, smell the fresh air as I fly through it, let go of everything and just…fly. So I lied. I know what I want. I want a dabble here, a dabble there, but I don’t want to commit. But what is life without a commitment to anything? It’s empty. That’s what it is. An empty life. The smell of old books, of rotting vegetables. The smell of stagnation. I want to live, but how to live? I can die tomorrow, heck, I could die right now, and what would my last regret be? I wish I had lived. I wish I had jumped off that plane when I had the chance, I wish I had taken that cigarette when I could have, I wish I had been a troublemaker. But for what? What will it matter in the end? What will it matter if I live on the edge, or if I live as a hermit? Either way, all that will be left of me will be a memory. And that memory will soon fade too. So I’m falling, I’m dying, and through this self-reflexive exercise I’ve learned nothing. I am a hesitant, thrill-seeking, want-to-be lover of life, but I don’t take the chances I’m offered. I don’t take the adventures I want to have. I stay in my room, typing crap like this up and think to myself, I want an adventure. I wish I could have an adventure. I can blame the entire world in detail for my hesitance and my inability to grab these opportunities. But it only lands on the shoulders of one person; me. Me, myself, and I have the choice to grab opportunities, and if I don’t grab them, it’s my fault. It’s only going to be my fault and my fault alone.

Winter Winds

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved
Was the same that sent me into your arms
Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone
And no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"
-Mumford and Sons

The Funnies

Confused.

If there was but a word to describe
My feelings, it would be confused;
Befuddled, troubled, mystified;
I don’t know what to think or do.
I think I like you,
I take that back;
I think I love you;
Too weak for that.
I don’t know how to deal
With how you act with me.
How can you look like that
And not share my feelings?

You’ve always confused me,
Always, from the start.
You looked at me with
A look in your eyes,
And I looked back
But you never tried
To talk to me and
You were cruel at first
Which confused me even more.
And I still don’t know
How you are.
I hated you, then liked you,
Attraction is so difficult.
I want to know what you
Have to say. But I know
You’re just too firm for confessions.
No sign of weakness
On your strange face
Is evident for me to
Turn around in my head over
And over again.

I’m confused,
Befuddled, puzzled, mistaken.
I’m overanalyzing everything
We’ve ever said and done.
How can I describe this
Confusion within me?
It’s too much for words and
I can not deal with it
Anymore.

So here is the question;
Do you love me or do you not?
I just need an answer
To cease all this
Confusion.

Self-Pity's Closet

Depression, loneliness, anger, shame, envy,
appetite without hunger, unquenchable
thirst, secret open wounds, long parades
of punishments, resentment honed and glinting
in the sun, the wind driving a few leaves,
an empty bird call, the grass bent down, far off
a dog barking and barking, the skin sticky,
the crotch itchy, the tongue stinking, the eyes,
words thrust from the mouth like bottles off a bridge,
tangy molasses of disgust, dank memory
of backs, of eyebrows raised and cool expressions
after your vast and painful declarations,
subtle humiliations creeping up
like the smell of wet upholstery, dial tone
in the brain, the conviction that your friends
never really loved you, the certitude
you deserved no better, never have, stains
in the carpet, the faucet drilling the sink,
the nights raining spears of stars, the days bland
and blank as newspapers eaten slowly
in the bathtub, the clock, the piano,
heavy impatient books, slippery pens,
the radio, a bug bouncing against
the window: go away, make it all go away.
-Michelle Boisseu

Autumn

Soon we will plunge ourselves into cold shadows,
And all of summer's stunning afternoons will be gone.
I already hear the dead thuds of logs below
Falling on the cobblestones and the lawn.

All of winter will return to me:
derision, Hate, shuddering, horror, drudgery and vice,
And exiled, like the sun, to a polar prison,
My soul will harden into a block of red ice.

I shiver as I listen to each log crash and slam:
The echoes are as dull as executioners' drums.
My mind is like a tower that slowly succumbs
To the blows of a relentless battering ram.

It seems to me, swaying to these shocks, that someone
Is nailing down a coffin in a hurry somewhere.
For whom? -- It was summer yesterday; now it's autumn.
Echoes of departure keep resounding in the air.
-Charles Baudelaire.

How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

At Work and Bored As Ever

It's actually exactly as the title says. I am at work and bored to death. Actually, not to death. I like being bored at my job because I'm not very...skilled. Besides the basics, of course! So, how has my day been so far? Unproductive. Very. I'm heading to the library after my shift so I can do some work! It'll be quite exciting...not. But besides that...ooh! Yesterday I got letters from my sisters and Justin's siblings! Haha. It's kind of random, but yeah. I love Irene and Andy! :D I told that to my best friend and she was like, eh? Why his siblings? (The answer? Because I love them!) I love snail mail. It's really fun. I hope the pile of letters I'm getting get bigger!

Lately I've been getting a little homesick. Not to the point where I'm bawling and missing everyone like mad. No, I actually don't miss people too much. I miss material things...which is not good? Well, I guess I miss my church, and there's people in that church. Oh, and I miss the babies too! Ah! But yeah, besides that, I just miss material things like my car, my bed, my city at home...

Funny, really. I didn't think I'd get homesick at all. I really, really like it here and all, but you know, home is where the heart is. It'd probably be a lot easier on me if I had my car here! I miss driving too. Goodness gracious! Oh well. Letters, letters! I love getting letters! I need to get new stationary too. To add the list, I also need a haircut, but I digress. :]

Winter is coming soon! It's windin' up a storm outside and I just want to stay in my room all day and listen to music and wind down, but I've got homework! Boo homework. :[ Oh well. That's what I get for living on campus at...well, college. I can't wait to go back! All this new-found freedom is delightful, but I really want to see my California again. I miss it. The Californians here are all from the north (wherever that is...pfft). Not REAL Californians! Hehe.

Yeah, so anyway. I met with my advisor and got all my classes for next term, so I'm set! Pretty much. I'll be really depressed during the winter too, I'm guessing, so I'm not sure if deciding to take math was the best idea...oh well. I have a poetry writing class to cheer me up! I've been getting into poetry and plays a lot recently. I've written a couple of poems since I've been here (more than I can say for the last year or so), and I've been really getting into Arthur Miller and his plays. I guess it helps that we're studying poetry in my lit class and that I'm doing a research paper on Miller. Yes! I feel good studying, and call me crazy because I think I am. Researching people and reading about them is just so interesting! And also, I love the library. That probably helps too.

Moving on may be the hardest thing to do.

We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on. -Amy Marie Walz

I've been feeling kind of out of it lately with my friends, both here and back in California...or wherever they may be now. I've tried to keep in touch, but I feel like I'm putting a lot more effort into it than they are, like they don't feel the need to talk to me. It kind of saddens me, knowing that they're lives are moving on without me. I suppose it's bound to happen, and I'm being selfish, but I still want my friends, you know? It's hard moving on and leaving behind the people I had made such great memories with. Yes, as you can see, it's hard for me to accept change. But the world changes all the time, and it's time for me to move on too. I just hate how emotionally attached I get, and how needy I become. Even with my new friends here, I feel like I'm making a big effort to contact them while they almost never contact me first. See? Again, needy and selfish. I like being liked by everybody, which makes me a little bit like Willy Loman from Death of a Salesman. He wanted to be liked by everyone, but in trying to please them all, he ended up with no friends and, really, no life. In effect, he pushed away his real friends, the one that he had, in order to be liked by everyone else. I feel like that sometimes. I feel like I'm going to be alone all my life, pushing away people who do try to get close to me because I don't realize it until it's too late, or worse; I start becoming really judgemental and unfriendly to them. It's so terrible of me, but sometimes I feel like I can't help it.

I had the strangest dream today too, while I was taking my nap. I had a dream that I was getting married, and I was wearing the ugliest pink dress ever. It was really just a pink top and a pink skirt (makes me shiver now) and I was searching franticly with some random people for something to wear at my own wedding, and I had nothing. I found the shoes and all, but no dress. Strange, no? It gets weirder. So I went back and I saw who my groom was, and it was my dad. And I freaked out and I was desperately trying to think of ways to avoid this, and I thought of divorce, just running off, or just leaving him at the altar. And I was seriously panicking in my dream. And when I woke up and analyzed my dream, I realized that I'm terribly afraid of marrying somebody who is like my dad, someone who will trap me in my life and who will be overbearing. Honestly, dramatic much, right? It was such a weird dream. I guess that's one of my subconscious fears; to get married to someone who's too much like my own dad. If I even get married at all. What a scary thought! To be alone all my life!

So yes. I am an insecure child just wandering around, looking for people who will accept me as their friend. People whom I respect and like myself; otherwise, I'll just be one of those old maids who stay inside all day with their pets as companions. I think it'd be a lot easier to be a hermit once you're older. When I die, will you promise to come to my funeral? Please?

Moving on is simple. It's what you leave behind that makes it difficult.

Random Thoughts

I was walking on the sidewalk today right after class (my class is on the third floor), and I realized that it seems like this unspoken code that people going down walk on the right side of the stairwell while people going up go on the left. And, on the sidewalk, everybody sticks to their right side, whether they're coming or going. It's intriguing. Makes me wonder if it's the opposite in Europe, where cars drive on the opposite sides of the road.

Isn't it weird how unspoken codes seem to be everywhere? You just seem to instinctively know it, or you learned it from society. Even though there's a WHOLE OTHER SIDE of the stairwell, people tend to stick to the right. It's just for courtesy issues, I know. If there was a flaming fire at the top of the building, nobody would care and would trample down the stairs like a wild stampede. Isn't it strange, though? It would make people feel a little uncomfortable or think you're rude if you broke the code by just walking on the other side and bumping into the people going up. I do that sometimes, I must admit. I mean, it's a whole other side! But what other courtesy issues are there that we know but don't speak of? Just think about it.

Also. NSYNC. Oh my gosh. I don't think NSYNC will ever get old for me. That's what I grew up with. While people listened to New Kids on the Block or the Backstreet Boys, I was intensely in love with NSYNC. Even to this day I still have most of the lyrics of ALL their songs memorized. I can even remember that the first song I had ever memorized (besides Sunday school songs, of course) was an NSYNC song. I still love them though. I love their voices, and their harmony, and their a capella is beautiful (better yet, it's to DIE for). I've never heard any band sing a capella better!

My Memories

I found a journal yesterday. I really have nothing to do so I'm going to post my life story RIGHT HERE. Just kidding. I worked on the outline for my essay and I'm just going to actually write it later. But anyway, my journal was so funny. I'd written it online in my notepad on yahoo mail from 2006-2008, so pretty much from 8th grade to 10th grade. And some of the things I'd written were so funny. I mean, high school was a huge time of confusion for me, especially during those years, and I'd written about all my crushes, all the boys that I thought I was crushing on, all the celebrities and boy bands that I loved (can you believe I liked the Jonas Brothers at one point? God help me!). It was so fun to read! But yeah, though it was funny, it brought back memories. I can hardly believe that it was only four years ago! I remember writing it because I thought, just in case my handwritten journals are burnt in a fire or something and I die, I'll keep an online account of it in my mail. Of course, that would only work if somebody broke into my email account haha.

But still! My little eighth grade mind believed in it so I guess I will too. I love finding journals! It's like opening up a part of your past with your memories. I wrote a lot about church people and school crushes. Not too much about school friends. I complained a lot too haha. And the journal was just so long I couldn't even read it all. The posts I did find were funny though. I was so passionate about whom I loved and hated hahaha. What an adorable dork I was.

Yes, well, that was the extent of my day. Journals and classes. And my new rekindled passion for James Dean and James Stewart. I'm just into the James's I suppose haha. Well, it's time for me to go! Go back to the present. It's so hard for me sometimes. I get so caught in my past, the present starts moving on without me and I have to catch up. Memories are my favorite. Well anyway, I'm going to get into my music and hopefully not take another nap!

Gratification comes in the doing, not in the result. -James Dean.

Things I Like About College

1. You can stay up as late as you want without worrying about being caught.
2. You can do whatever you want whenever you want. You just have to be cautious of strangers.
3. You get to be away from parents!
4. You don't have people nagging you (unless you have friends that nag you...), and if you don't want to talk to parents, just don't answer their calls! I never do this though, by the way. :]
5. You get independence without actually having to worry about paying for rent and stuff like that. In my case, anyway.
6. You can EAT whenever and whatever you want! What a luxury!
7. Everything's pretty much nearby so you can work out, study in the library, read in your room, sleep in your bed, etc. whenever, and it's all in walking distance!
8. The teachers are pretty chill (some of them) and let you out really early if they don't have anything else to say.
9. You get to pick and choose which classes you want, just as long as you pick ones that'll fulfill the minimum class requirements. But after that, you can take whatever classes you want!
10. You have to take care of yourself and you don't have to worry about what your parents would say. I love my independence right now.

The Night Before

So yesterday I got invited to this party where you party all night and then go and watch the sunrise. It's apparently supposed to be the first party of the whole school year thrown by this one frat, but it's more like the fourth party haha. But anyway, so I got invited, and it started at 10:30 p.m. I had loads of time to kill.

I went to my room and just relaxed. Played video games, lied on my bed, did nothing, and around 8:30 my roomie said we should work out, which we did for half an hour. Intense, huh? I'm so out of shape!

Yeah, anyway, then we got back, showered, and I played some video games and then went upstairs to talk to my friends. It was cool. Then at around eleven we started heading for the party. And it sounded REALLY loud. Then, we got distracted by my friend who wanted to go pick up her other friend, who was at this other frat. So we go and then, no party for us, just a social thing. With frat boys. And if frat boys aren't known for their drinking and smoking, I don't know what they're known for.

So yeah, I went to my first college social, not party. And I think my lungs are filled up with second-hand smoke (don't worry, I didn't actually smoke). It was pretty funny listening to everyone's conversations and hanging out with people I didn't know too well. It's funny, too, that they're somewhat studious too. They get baked, go party, drink a keg or two, and then get up early the next morning to do work and stuff. Haha! College life, man. Whew.

Yeaah, I just decided to record some stuff down. I'm pretty tired. And hungry. So I guess I should find something to eat...oh shoot, and yesterday, there was the freaking biggest thunderstorm ever. It was so loud!! It woke me up at around nine, just blasting away and setting off car alarms. Funny, but freakin' loud. Forget about the trains! Oh yes, and right after all the thunder ended, a train went by. Forget sleep! Geez.

But yes. Life as a college student is quite interesting as of now.

Classes have started!

Okay, so I've been trying to update my blog when I can (which is almost all the time for now) and it's been a pretty nice Friday. I attended my classes (only two were today), and getting up early made me soooo tired. And I didn't have time to grab breakfast before so I was really hungry too. I think freshmen preceptorial is gonna be pretty interesting, though I'm going to have to have discussions, which I am not a total fan of. :/

So I'll tell you the rest of my day. I went to freshmen preceptorial at 8 in the morning (so early!) and had class for 45 minutes (today was a shortened day) and then went and had breakfast with my friend where I saw this guy from my class that I recognized eating by himself (cool college kids can do that, you know :] ) and when he was done he put his plate and stuff away and then came back and cleaned his place and pushed his chair in and everything and then left and it looked like he'd never sat there. I love polite people like that! :]

Anyway, and then I went to my room because I had nothing to do for another 45 minutes and, after buying my books online, I went to my next class, into to film. That was quite interesting. My teacher cussed a bit (her name's Emily too) and she seemed like an...interesting teacher. It's cool though, because we'll be movie critics and watching a movie every week. I love it already.

After film class, I went and signed up for my payroll. I'm glad I got my to-do list out of the way. I was so tired, so even though there was this opening convocation going on at 11, I went back to my room, played a little on the computer, and then just slept till two. It was a really nice nap. Then I got up and all, and now I'm doing what I've been doing! Writing! :]

I feel pretty tired nowadays. I don't even know why. Oh yeah! I got a job too, as a computer lab assistant. I'm going to have to learn how to use computers now...especially macs. It'll be an okay job, I think, though I make practically nothing. :[ But at least it's a four-year job as long as I don't mess up, so that makes me happy at least.

But yeah, that was the extent of my day. The most exciting part, anyway. Actually, the next most exciting part is going to be at 4 when I go to CARNIVAL OF CLUBS! Actually called Club Rush in California. Knox just makes it sound cooler, haha. Makes me think there's going to be a ferris wheel or something...I wish!

Anyway, I should get started on my reading. Homework time. :P Ugh. But I will make the most of it! Ah! I'll try, anyway!

College!

Hey! So I haven't posted in like, a week or two, but it's been quite busy here in Illinois. Yes, I am finally in college! Classes haven't started yet, but already, in the three days I've been here, I see the difference between high school and college. First of all, people are old enough here to do things like party, and smoke, and drink, and stuff like that. So I find beer cans randomly, or see people smoking. Yeah. Egh.

The people here at Knox are also pretty nice. I got my roomie, who's also pretty freakin awesome!!!!, but I see a lot of differences in our views. Hopefully, if we don't bring them up, we'll get along just fine.

The campus here is beautiful. And it's also pretty small so I can find everything pretty easily. Sometimes. I like it here because there's a bunch of people I can relate to, and living away from parents is always a plus. Also I don't feel too strange going up to people and introducing myself randomly. In high school, that was something that labeled you as a kinda weird kid. And also, everyone here looks pretty much the same age.

I feel a little dirty sometimes, though, because people so openly talk about gay people and transvestites and stuff (I know, I'm like in the 90's or something. It's a hush hush topic) and so many of the people I know support them, which makes me feel uncomfortable. What also makes me feel uncomfortable is that I know a bunch of people here now that smoke weed a lot (which is probably not unusual on college campuses. Obviously it's unusual to me).

Well anyway, I'm pretty tired. I get tired early nowadays. Must be all the weed I smoke and the alcohol I drink. You know. (Totally not). But yeah, time to hit the sack. Ooh, I forgot to write about Sex Signals today! There was a little comedy thing that talked about sexual harrassment, rape, and signals people might give if they want to have sex. I've never heard the word "sex" used so much. Ha.

Yeah, that was pretty much the extent of my day. Did what I had to. I'm going to find out my classes tomorrow, and that's going to be fun. Well, sayanara for now (did I even spell that right?). Don't look forward to me coming home with a boyfriend any time soon. May not happen for the next four years, actually. xP Yech.

P.S.
Did I tell the trains are so freaking loud that I'm going to kill a train conducter if I see one one day?! Do they really, really need a huge freaking loud horn to tell the whole WORLD that they're coming?! Goodness freaking gracious!

Yeah!

Today, out of extreme boredom in the very early morning (8 a.m.) where I had absolutely nothing to do, I revisited my xanga, the blog that all kids had in junior high at my age. And I can't believe I was such a dork! Hahaha! I wrote a lot too about my days and stuff. Pretty interesting. I was a swimmer, had a major crush on some guy I never even talked to again after freshmen year, had no drama, and, seemingly, no real problems. Haha, well, look at me now. All mature and stuff. Yeah right. xD

It's funny looking at those blogs that I wrote in eighth grade and freshmen year, and I think to myself, dang, it's already been 4 years since I've done that. And I've changed so much! i used 2 write like this, not much diff, but actually alot when you come 2 think abt it. :] so many acronyms and stuff. who didnt write like this tho, rite? teehee

Yeah, but anyway, that stuff makes me feel all grown-up, and it shows me how I've changed. Funny, hm? I'm quite glad I changed a lot, or else I would've been doomed to be a dork all my life...though that seems to be inevitable anyway. -.-

I feel like an only child with all my sisters gone! They're all at school, and one of my younger younger sisters woke me up when she was getting ready for school. At seven something! I was dead. I guess it's good practice for when I start classes in college. But now I'm awake and pretty bored. So...that's why I was looking at my xanga and myspace and stuff, haha. Stuff I probably won't look at again for awhile. Yay, Facebook! :] I wonder why they never made a movie on myspace or blogs...hmm.

Well, my eyes are extremely puffy right now from crying like a baby yesterday over nothing. Yeah, I admit it, I cry. I'm not sure why I started but I started thinking about stuff and it just made me cry. And I'm not talking about sentimental stuff. Just about my dad. I don't like talking about him to people much because he's a pastor and all and I don't want to give him a bad rep, or make my friends think that all pastors are like that at home, but he's kind of, you know, critical and not very affectionate to his kids. He got upset yesterday because he had to pick up my sister from school and drop her off at swimming. Like, what the heck? Can't even do that? And he was like, I have a schedule, you need to tell me beforehand. Well, kids and their schedules are unpredictable in itself. You just gotta get used to it. And I think I was all weepy because I feel like he never really tried to get to know me, and now I'm leaving and my dad knows nothing about me. He knows how I was at nine, ten years old. And thats it. To tell you the truth, I've been avoiding him at home because just talking to him makes me nervous. Should a kid really be that afraid of her father? I just feel...blah, I don't know. This is weird that I'm writing this on a blog. I suppose no one really reads this anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Anyway, I'm just ranting about nothing. I really shouldn't be saying this stuff, but sometimes it's hard to keep burying the bad feelings I have towards my dad. Every time he lectures me, I've taken a habit to start weeping like a wimpy kid, which I sort of am when it comes to my dad. I know why, I guess, but it makes me feel like a little kid admitting to it. But, I guess I never stopped acting like a little kid to him. I guess that's why I'm so hard and callused and all sarcastic to people. I could be the nicest person, but I could also be quite mean to people too if I don't like them or resepct them, and sometimes I see instances where I'm just like my dad. It's funny because I always feel like I have to be the "tough guy" in my family, being the oldest and because there's no one else, really. It gets tiring sometimes, to be responsible all the time, and I guess that's why I want to get away so bad. It's formed my good attributes, though, like being responsible, being punctual; stuff like that.

This feeling is just something to get over, I suppose. My only regret, now that I'm leaving, is that I never really got to build a relationship with my dad. I guess that might be partly my fault, but it's too late now.

Haha, wow, this blog was full of blah blah blah. Lots of random thoughts popping up and about. Yeah, I feel better after writing this, though. It's the Eldest Princess all over again. Can't wait to get away. New life, new love, new interests, new friends, but never a new family. So I have to make do with what I got! Yeah!

Growing Pains

I went to Knott's today, and I discovered that I'm becoming an...OLD person. The first ride was Silver Bullet, and it used to be my favorite ride. But today...I'm sad to say that it was just a huge headache to me. My sisters were like, let's ride it again! And I totally didn't want to, though I did. My head!

Then we went to Xcelerator, which is my new favorite ride (it's so smooth!) and a bunch of other bumpy rides that I disliked. Oh my, and my sisters wanted to ride Ghostrider, and by the time that came around, I was pooped. And there was still an hour to go. Sad, right? So sad.

I've decided that bumpy rollercoasters are not my thing, and neither is walking around behind younger children for almost 6 hours on a steaming hot day. I was melting; it was so horrible. You know what else is horrible? A burnt churro and no funnel cake. NO FUNNEL CAKE. Worst part of my day.

Anyway, enough about that. I'm leaving for Knox in a week, and I'm still not packed! I am so in trouble. Anyone wanna help me?

Facebook is such a great way to keep in touch with people, though, and to hook up with old friends. Not that I just noticed, it's that I just got in contact with an old acquaintance, and it's been more than several YEARS since we've seen each other! Weird, isn't it? Anyway, I guess I'd better move on with life. I don't know what else to write.

About moving? I'm scared of moving away from my family and my comfort zone. I don't like meeting new people, and it'll be so weird sharing my room with an acquaintance. I've talked to my to-be roommate only through email, and she seems cool and all, but it's still going to be weird for me. And I plan on getting involved, which is also a big step for me. I'm such an introvert it's not even funny. Well, we'll see how college goes for me. Look at me, I'm growing up! :]

To be continued...eventually.

Missions in Mexico

The past week has been a pretty new and interesting experience for me. I went on missions to Oaxaca, Mexico, and I don't know what else to call it but, well, so different. And when I came back home, in a sense, I really missed living there, more than I had missed living here in the U.S. Strange, huh?

Well anyway, for the past 8 days I was serving God in Mexico through evangelizing and by teaching VBS and all. We went to two churches; Linda Vista and Chuxnaban, and I have to say, out of the two, I preferred Linda Vista much better. The weather was cooler, we literally were living in the clouds, the scenery was beautiful, the food was somewhat better, and it rained/thunderstormed a lot. It was...somewhat nice, though I had to sleep on a table there. The kids were adorable, but they were also punks, not listening to us, haha. They were cute, though. The kids at Chux were really cute too, and more well-behaved. Probably because the heat and humidity drained their energy from them. Totally understandable.

So I gave a message to the kids during VBS (which was difficult with them being so distracted) and I had to give my testimony as well as be on stage every night performing either a pantomime or a dance. It was actually pretty fun (not the message giving part, but performing on stage).

But besides that, I tried cow brains, bought things with pesos and bargained with sellers at a shopping center, made a bracelet with the kids :], didn't shower for a...few days..., learned how to flush the toilet mountain people style, had beans, rice, coffee, and tortillas almost every day, got bitten just a little bit (thank goodness), and saw an innumerous amount of stars. The sky was beautiful everywhere we went. There were also a lot of fireworks going off some days, especially in this one city we went to called Ayutla.

I also counted 30 dogs without collars and roaming around or sleeping on the way down the hill to Chuxnaban. Thirty more than I'd ever see anywhere in California. It was a sight.

Anyhow, that's pretty much the gist of my trip. I have mixed thoughts of how it affected me spiritually, but I'm glad I got to serve God somehow. Not sure if I'd go again. I seem to be more interested in the scenery and playing with kids and living in that culture than actually evangelizing and telling others about God. I'm alright with kids, but I feel weird sharing the gospel with adults. Don't ask me why, I just feel I haven't experienced enough to relate to them. I know it's probably a stupid reason, but, well, it's a valid one to me.

Anyhow, Oaxaca was awesome and I pray for those people we visited and the people who are long-term missionaries there. Dios te bendiga!

The End of the End...and a New Beginning

High school has officially ended. With high school come a great load of memories. It seems like in that span of four years, one learns a lot more than a person could learn anywhere else. We learn our regular classroom lessons, of course, but we learn about life and living, about how to be socially acceptable, we try new things and experience new things, and we make friends that sometimes can last a lifetime, and some that can last a year. It's been a great journey and an adventure, and I'm probably never going to forget it.

I remember thinking in freshman year that high school was pretty intimidating. There were people bigger than me, and I only had a couple girls that I hung out with. I knew a lot of people from my past, but I was too shy to say hi. Not a good way to start out, but things picked up from there. I learned to become a little more sociable, although it was difficult to break out from my little group.

Sophomore year was hell. It was just a hard year and I felt overwhelmed. I made a friend who became somewhat special, and I experienced new things that were somewhat welcomed, and others that I wish I didn't go through. And, of course, I got through it and I welcomed the new year whole heartedly. What a child I was. I think that was the year in high school I matured the most.

Junior year was a blast. People said it was the hardest year, and it was difficult, but it was so much fun. I didn't do too well in school academically, and especially not very well in SATs, but I was a little bit more outgoing and experienced a little bit more drama with a friend that taught me a little bit more about guys in general. But, this year I didn't regret anything, and I loved it.

Senior year. What an amazing year. This year was a blast, and it was all thanks to my friends and easy classes. I was more outgoing than any year previous and, as always, I experienced some new things as a senior. And I turned 18 and became a legal adult. After all, turning 18 is the end of childhood, but the beginning of life. It was great to see my friends growing up with me, and how I changed and became a young adult with the experiences I had. Of course, the courses I took in school will be long forgotten, but the friends and experiences will always stay with me. I was really sad to see this year end, and with it, the end of high school all together.

I experienced heartache, immense stress, emotional ups and downs, drama, crushes, meaningful conversations, love and hate relationships; the list can go on. I'm both sad and excited to see this year end. I'm not going to easily forget any of the people I met and the special people I went through high school with, whether or not I ever see or talk to them again. I'll be going to college and that will open up a whole bunch of new things to experience. It's just another adventure to embark on.

Time of Our Lives

Today was a funny day. First of all, school was bleh. It was only for about three hours (I LOVE being a senior!), but that was the only real good thing about it. Then when I came home, I jumped onto the computer and was doing whatever, but then my mom came home and handed me a package. From Knox, of course.

So, I open it, and I find gold. Literally. 38 grand worth of gold on a thin piece of paper. So apparently, all that's left for my parents to pay in college tuition money is ... 6 grand. How amazing is that?

Seems like my prayers paid off! I prayed that whatever college I got into (from a choice of...two) that God would bless me with scholarship money and other money to pay for it so my parents wouldn't have to pay. And lo and behold! I got into Knox College and got 38 grand in scholarship money, grants, and loans.

Wow. Does He answer prayers or what?

And adding to that, I got a new car. A brand new car!...that I have to share with my sister, but she doesn't drive yet, so I'm all right. She won't have her license until after I leave, so it's mine! Until I leave. But whatever, man. I'm blessed!

Ever since second semester of school started, I've been living for the day, trying to make the most of every day I have. I live, I eat, I sleep, I dream, and I play. I play a lot. When am I ever going to see any of these people again? And if I do see them, it won't be the same. But I don't think about that stuff. I live for today and tomorrow can wait. Wanna know why?

'Cause I'm having the time of my life! Thank you God!

I'll Stand By You

Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes. Come on and come to me now. Don't be ashamed to cry. Let me see you through 'cause I've seen the dark side too. When the night falls on you, and you don't know what to do, nothing you confess will make me love you less; I'll stand by you.

I'll stand by you. Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you.

So if you're mad, get mad! Don't hold it all inside, come on and talk to me now.
Hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too; well I'm a lot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose; let me come along 'cause even if you're wrong I'll stand by you.

I'll stand by you. Won't let nobody hurt you; I'll stand by you.
Take me in, into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you; I'll stand by you.

I'll stand by you. Won't let nobody hurt you; I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby, you're feeling all alone; you won't be on your own, I'll stand by you.

I'll stand by you. Won't let nobody hurt you;
I'll stand by you.

Just My Thoughts.

Because I know I'll be leaving soon, I'm taking in every aspect of life through sentimental eyes. Every time I drive, I think, I'm going to miss going down this road I know so well. And I pass by the old neighborhood I grew up in, the new one I'm currently living in, and I think of all the bad and good memories. I'm trying to make good memories with all my family members now, and they're all talking about how it's going to seem empty without me. It makes me sad. And I'm so afraid of college. I'm going to go visit, and even visiting Knox scares the heck out of me.

Well, I was looking through past things I wrote down, and I reread this thing I wrote about my...friend. We're not really friends anymore, which is why there's the ellipsis, but I wish we were. It makes me really sad that one of my close friends just stopped being my friend. I don't blame them, but...it just makes me sad. I don't want to go into detail about it, but yeah. I just wanted to write my feelings down. I don't do that often, I notice haha.

I also noticed that being a jerk is my defense mechanism. If I'm harsh and/or blunt, I don't have to deal with my feelings. Of course, I notice that now, too late, and I've pushed a bunch of people away in my life. Whatever. I'm intuitive when it comes to other people, but not when it comes to myself, haha. Interesting.

College is making me depressed! Nothing is ever going to be the same once I leave. I think I'm going to miss my family and my church the most because they've been consistent all my life. I've known some of those people all my life (I've known my family all my life, of course), and church feels like my family too. Thank goodness for things like facebook, haha.

Well, are you thoroughly depressed? I'm actually not, after writing all this down. Anyway, I hope I don't ever lose any of my close friends again. It just...makes me sad.

Happy thoughts!

The Word Is "Design"

If people think that everything came together through evolution and scientific ways (bacteria coming together and creating actual animals, a circle of dust in space creating planets, etc), then why do they use the word "design" to describe things? 'Our body was designed to do this, our stomachs designed to digest food, the mouth designed to speak and consume food, etc. If you don't believe me, look in your textbooks; you'll find the word "design" to describe something at least a few times in there.

Well, a design must be designed by a designer, and no one can say another rock designed another rock, because we all know that rocks first of all have no hands to design and second of all have no brains to do it.

In order for something to be designed, you have to have a designer. You say 'this nutcracker was designed to crack nuts'. Designed by who? A person who designs and creates nutcrackers. We discover by experience how the nutcracker works, but we didn't design it ourselves. The person who designs nutcrackers created it. If a scientist/atheist/anybody claims that something was designed to do whatever, they contradict themselves. So, indirectly, everyone, even scientists, are unconsciously referring to a creator just by using the word "design" to describe things.

Just something I had to get off my chest. People are kind of ignorant sometimes and it frustrates me. I was reading my psychology textbook when this came to me. They were like, "The hypothalamus was designed to trigger the hunger sense" and I was like, it was designed? Really. By who? But wait, bacteria? Bacteria didn't have hunger senses in the beginning because they ate whatever was in the water, right? Then who designed it?

GOD DESIGNED IT, STUPID! I'm sorry, you're not actually stupid. Just...naive. And you're suppressing the obvious truth. Everybody says it without knowing it!

GOD DESIGNED EVERYTHING!!!

Blabs...and Knox!!

Quote of the Day:
"Do not be distracted by human beings. Or animals." - my dad...said while my sister is dancing around. And I (involuntarily) look out my window at a bird...

1 Peter 2:9
"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

John 8:12
"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

Follow Jesus into the light! I'm in the light. You should be too! :]


And GUESS WHAT!!!!!
Saturday afternoon near 3-4 o' clock, my sister came home from wherever she was and handed me a large envelope from Knox College. She looked kind of torn between excited and anxious, and I felt kind of nervous. I was going to burst into tears if I hadn't gotten accepted, so I told her to go away and tried to convince myself it was too early for admission letters from this school, that it probably was just as advertisement or something.

By the way, for those of you who aren't informed, Knox is a small liberal arts college in Galeburg, Illinois, and it has a great creative writing program. It's pretty neat. Anyhow...

My sister wouldn't go away, and my mom came around, lingering, waiting for me to open it too, and so I did, my stomach tying knots, and I pulled out a paper, and the first thing I read, word for word?

"Your application has been accepted!"

My first reaction? "OH MY GOSH! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And my sister ran away and my mom ran to look at the paper with me. Apparently I got 10 grand scholarship money and it was very amazing. This is the girl who was preparing to go to FJC because her grades were terrible and she wasn't involved in school at all!

Now, there is money to be spent, and money to be found to spent, and money to be made to spent, so...I'll be busy searching for awhile.

Did I mention that my dad has been so uncharacteristically happy for the past two days? It's so funny, but I think he's super relieved that he can say his daughter goes to Knox, even though nobody even knows where that is, and not Fullerton junior college.

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!! And the perfect verse accompanying this later that night?
"The Lord had said to Abram, 'Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you'". -Genesis 12:1

I will follow wherever God wants me to go!
And truth be told? I'm scared to death. I'm going to be all by my self, meeting new people I may or may not like, in a city I may or may not like, and I have to do everything on my own. It's really frightening. I don't like one on one conversations with strangers, and I'm supposed to do that in two weeks with professors and staff and such! It's scary, really. I'm socially awkward, so I guess I'll just have to get over that. I will blossom in college! So I hope. No, I believe it! God will take care of me!

Now, NYU acceptance, please? To that enormous school with an enormous tuition...egh.

And Knox's second favorite thing to say?


(their first would be "FREEDOM TO FLOURISH")

A Snippet of the Teenage Life

“Mom, I’m going to go watch The Office.”
“What?”
“I said I’m going to go watch—”
“What?”
“I’m going to—”
“I'm in the living room, I can’t hear you. Watch what?”
“The—”
“What?”
“THE OFFICE!”
“What about the office?”
“I’m going to go watch it.”
“Watch what?”
“The Office!”
“What?”
“Mom!”
“Why in the world would you go watch my office?"
“Mom. It’s a TV show.”
“What is?”
“The Office! On NBC!”
“Is it that one show with that obnoxious Steve Carell?”
“…yeah.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway, I’m going to go watch it now.”
"How long is it going to be?"
"Maybe half an hour."
“It’s going to be passed ten, honey. You have to go to sleep. You have school tomorrow!”
“But Mom—”
“No buts! Go to sleep or you’re grounded from TV!”
“Yes ma’am.”

A day in the life of a teenager.

James 1:2-6



Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

-James 1:2-6


I will believe and trust you, Lord. You know best.

Twilight and Breaking Dawn in a nutshell

Good to know I'm not the only one who thinks that this is how the books actually go!

The Eldest Princess

Once upon a time, in a town on an island called Mawr somewhere in the Atlantic, a girl was born to two strong-headed parents. The mother, a beautiful woman with lots of potential, fought to keep her pride, while the father, king of the island, a proud, strong and critical man, fought to keep her down. And he broke her.

The daughter was born in hard times, the queen still fighting the losing battle of dominance, and there was a lot tension throughout the child's first one and a half years of life. It scarred her mentally.

Then, a second daughter was born. By then, the mother had somewhat succumbed to her husband, and the second daughter was taken care of and, though there was still tension, it didn't affect the second child as much.

Two more daughters were born, and by the time the last one popped out, the mother was broken completely. She was nothing more than a servant. Her hands, once pretty piano hands, were worn with work, her back slightly bent from labor, and all she could think about was pleasing her husband. Her pride had gone into her children, and she did well in taking care of them while trying to please her husband at the same time.

The king of the town was strong and respectful, wise and kind, compassionate and understanding, and the people loved him. He was personal with his subjects, and they loved and respected him for that.

In the first twelve years of the eldest princess, she was told to be the best, to try hard, to work hard, and she tried. But as she and her father, the king, drew farther and farther apart, becoming less personal with each other, she began to feel loathing for herself. Couldn't she be good enough to have the attention and compassion he gave his subjects?

She revered him as a king, thought he was fantastic and was proud he was her father, but, when it came to the household, she kept away from him and tried to avoid him. They hardly ever spoke anymore. She saw her mother, old and worked, and she became bitter. She could hardly tolerate her father ordering his wife around as if she was a common servant. The daughter began to wither and became unhappy, distraught, reserved, and restless. She longed to break away

The second daughter grew to be a beautiful young girl, strong, content, intelligent, and athletic. She excelled in sports and her father loved her for it. He paid money to make her become better, sent her to the best schools in the town to strengthen her, but the second girl, too, wanted to escape and to do what she wanted. Because her father loved her, he allowed her to go and gave her her own ship to travel the world.

The third daughter also grew to be a beautiful young girl, strong, happy, very intelligent, athletic, and wise. She was very wise in her ways and intelligent as well as kind, and her father loved her for it. He sent her to the best schools, paid money for extra tutors and allowed her to make time for sports as well. She was athletic and smart, and the king pronounced her as the next heir to the throne. She was capable enough.

The last daughter grew to be a beautiful girl as her other two sisters, and she was intelligent, though flighty and restless. But she, being the youngest, her father the king loved the most, and he took care of her and she was happy. She lived with her parents for years, and she was happy. She had everything she wanted, and she lived a good life as a princess.

The eldest daughter, now, saw her younger sisters and grew hurt. She watched as the second daughter received his love and attention, as she excelled in sports, and she tried to be the same. But though she could play, she was ignored. Her skills weren't good enough, and so she quit. She saw her sister off on the ship, and she wished desperately to go with her. She wanted to travel.

She watched as the third daughter excelled in academics and sports, and the eldest tried to copy her. She tried to study well, but her hurt was overpowering her, and though she tried to impress her father the king with her marks, she was overshadowed by her sister's excellent marks. So she gave up and failed everything else. Only then did she get attention from her father, but not the attention she wanted.

She watched as the fourth daughter was adored by their father the king, and she watched her sister get all she wanted, become spoiled but happy, and she watched as their father praised her and encouraged her. The eldest became even more hurt.

The eldest daughter of the king of the prosperous island of Mawr was nothing, and so she was ignored by her father. She had no achievements, and so, seeing this, she wanted to travel. She ached to feel the salty wind on her face, not the kind that came in the form of tears (she tired of those), and wanted to see the world. She yearned for the knowledge of what was in other countries, and she wanted to see it for herself. She was tired of reading about it and hearing about it from other people. She wanted experience.

The king, however, had other plans for his disappointing daughter. After conversing with his advisors, he decided to marry her off, at the young age of twenty, to the prince of a neighboring island called Anobaith. The wife, brainwashed, agreed that it was for the best. Their daughter had no skills, was good at nothing, so the best thing was to marry her off. The princess, feeling used and trapped, was in despair as she was carted off to await the next voyage to Anobaith. The only adventure she was to ever have was in marrying a man that was the same as her father. Her future was, because of missed opportunities, no skills, and her bitterness, bleak.

Listen

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete.
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release.

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard.
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling.
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own.

You should have listened, there is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago.
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard.
They will not be pushed aside on words
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling.
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own.

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling.
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own, my own.

-Beyonce's words sum up my feelings pretty well.


Pray for the people in Chile.

The Figure Skating ROCKSTAR

Evan Lysacek. My favorite athlete and figure skater! Now usually I don't really follow sports at all, but the Olympics (the WINTER Olympics, especially) is something I MUST watch. But no one is really all that exciting to watch (except for Shaun White and skiing), but figure skating has become my new favorite "sport". Thanks to an amazing twenty-four year old named Evan Lysacek!!!!!!!!

He's the gold medal winner of men's figure skating, if you guys didn't know. GOLD MEDAL. And he beat last winter Olympics' champion Evengi Plushenko, some cocky Russian guy. Who lost to Lysacek, let me tell you!

If you guys haven't seen 6'2" Evan skate (I love his height!), you have got to! His performances in Vancouver were amazing, and he landed his turns amazingly, even with a fractured foot! That doesn't stop him from, you know, winning. He was the world champion previously and he broke a record by being the first American to win gold in men's figure skating! Oh, and he totally kept his cool when Plushenko (Russian.) was bagging on him for not doing a quad turn. Go Lysacek!!!! Sadly, it's over, but go to nbc.com and see him skate. Because if you don't, you're seriously missing out. He's the one in the black with feathers/black with silver stuff, just fyi. :]


Song of the Day: Revolution - The Beatles

Poem of the Day:
Don't Quit - Edgar A. Guest

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must,
but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a fellow turns about when he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow - you may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than it seems to a faint and faltering man;
often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor's cup;
and he learned too late when the night came down,
how close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out - the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and when you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems afar;
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - it's when things seem worst,
you must not quit.

Silence by Venkata Majeti

At first, there was absolute silence.
And at least, there was absolute silence.

In between, it's an
Emotional silence, that'd kill with bare hands
Attentive silence, absorbed in the environment
Thoughtful silence, wallowing and preparing,
Embezzled silence, bored in self indulgence
Quiet silence, uncomfortable and unwanted
Subdued silence, waiting in the wings
Meditative silence, which can move heaven and earth
Dogmatic silence, enough said about it
Comforting silence, no words could describe it

In this communicative silence,
Someone,
Say something
Or, not.

-Venkata Majeti

Parents!!!!!!

1 Parents (n): a father or a mother
2 Parents (n): the chains around your ankles until you've managed to a) runaway b) obtain a stable job and stable income c) die d) turn 18.

Hmm, sometimes it seems like definition number 2 sounds more like our parents, doesn't it? They're the metaphorical CHAINS around our ankles! But really, where would we be without parents? Oh! Most definitely non-existent. And have you ever realized that the people who don't have parents or have only one parent always want parents that other kids who do have parents take for granted? Ha ha, did you get all that?

I feel like I've grown up a little bit (I'd like to say) and I usually do a good job of seeing the world through the eyes of other people, trying to understand how they think. And believe me, if I was a parent, I'd probably be just as bad as my own.

The apple never falls far from the tree says many, and I kind of believe that. People grow up trying hard not to be like their parents, and they succeed for the most part, until they have kids. Then comes the discipline you promised you'd never use, or the stress and pressure you swore you'd never put on your kids, but it's inevitable! And besides, parents are just another part of life. Sometimes they are really, really selfish and try to use your life to live out their own dreams regardless of yours, or they try and push you (maybe too hard or too little) into the "right direction"...wherever that is. But in the end, you'll miss them. (Though I'm really sorry for those people who have really bad parents. And no, I don't mean Asian parents.)

Either way, thank your parents for your birth and for giving you life, then just walk away. You put up with your parents for at least twenty-so years, and then you'll have the rest of your life to live on your own! Well, at least when you get out of the house. I mean, you can always screen their calls when you know they're angry. Just make sure to move far away. ;]

So don't give up on life! Because, before you know it, you'll be living life the way you think it should be lived. Besides, what do we really know about how life should be lived at this age? Just be patient.


Song of the Day: See Emily Play - Pink Floyd

Poem of the Day:
Lost - Dan Brown

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd, I'm losing my breath.
Lost as a boy, lost as a man,
I need to grow up, don't think I can.

Lost as a person, can't find my way.
Lost in life, every day.
Lost in worry, who am I?
All my life, I've lived a lie.

Lost to kindness, lost to love,
Lost in a sky, like a new-born dove.
Lost in thought, which I shouldn't do,
It winds me up, I can’t get through.

Lost to comfort, all kind words,
Lost to advice, it isn't heard.
Lost to those who really care,
All these people, always there.

Lost in me, I need a break,
Lost in wonder, which road to take?
Lost in a place I don't know well,
Where are you now? There's no one to tell.

Lost here, all alone,
Lost apart from the mobile phone.
Lost still, there are no calls.
I'm struggling alone, to break these walls.

Lost in mind, lost in soul,
Lost memories, they're just a hole.
Lost family, lost mate,
Gone now, yet I'm full of hate.

Lost in a straight world, and I am gay,
Lost now, for what to say,
Lost in boredom, think I'll leave.
There's a lot in life I need to achieve.

No Unmarked Person

I think it's pretty inevitable that you'll be marked by something. You can't be someone without being known with a certain "thing". Like, oh, she's the swimmer, or she has the nice car, or she's the smartypants, she's the popular brat, she's the rich kid. Things like that. Everyone does it. And everyone is marked.

It seems that even when you're born you're marked with the name of your parents (and I don't just mean your surname), known as, not yourself, but as "so and so's baby". You might not think about that, but I catch myself doing that too. "Oh, isn't so-and-so's baby so cute!" "So-and-so's kid has the softest hair! What's his name? Oh, well...er...I forgot".

I'm sure there might be exceptions. Some people might think that they shouldn't judge you by what you have or what you look like or what you seem to look like and have, but you know that that's a rare occurence. It's just human nature to judge. I suppose that's just another flaw in our system to add to the list.


Song of the Day: Out The Blue - John Lennon

Poem of the Day:
Dreams - Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

For All You Harry Potter Fans Out There...

Oh. My. Freaking. Gosh. The set builders from Harry Potter have been working closely with Universal Studios to make a freaking Harry Potter theme park in Orlando, Florida (the place where all the GOOD amusement parks are). It opens this spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan, so living in California and not Florida really, really, REALLY sucks right now. So, apparently it is everything you have ever dreamed of. You can walk through Hogwarts, go to Hogsmeade, get your own wand at Ollivanders, have a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks; OH MY FREAKING GOSH. I need to go there. NOW.

So for super Harry Potter fans (like me), it is a MUST SEE attraction/theme park. This spring break I'm hopping onto the first plane going out to Orlando, Florida. It's with Universal Studios (next to Disney World and all that) and is about 20 acres of Harry Potter dreamland. (If only they could make the magic work there too...)

Hogwarts! I'm coming to see you soon!

...Anyone willing to buy me a ticket?


Song of the Day: Hedwig's Theme (duh!) - John Williams

Poem of the Day:
The Sorting Hat Song (the first book) - J.K. Rowling

Oh you may not think me pretty,
But don't judge on what you see,
I'll eat myself if you can find
A smarter hat than me.
You can keep your bowlers black,
Your top hats sleek and tall,
For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat
And I can cap them all.
There's nothing hidden in your head
The Sorting Hat can't see,
So try me on and I will tell you
Where you ought to be.

You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw, if you've a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folks use any means
To achieve their ends.

So put me on! Don't be afraid!
And don't get in a flap!
You're in safe hands (though I have none)
For I'm a Thinking Cap!

Kids

Ever really think about kids? People don't like them, love them, hate 'em, or adore them. Sometimes a whole combination of emotions. I have a billion or so sisters (three, actually) and they make life so chaotic and crazy. And annoying. But, I must admit, I couldn't live without them.

The reason I'm saying 'kids' obviously means that my sisters are younger than me. I know I'm still young and all, but, as a girl usually does some time in her adolescence, I've thought about having my own kids one day and how I'd treat them. I'm one of those people who adore kids except for my sisters. I love little babies, toddlers (except in their terrible two's), and people seem to take them for granted. Like I do all the time.

Think about a world with no kids. Who'd have the innocence to ask, "Mommy, why is that lady fat?" when that nice, sensitive lady in the grocery store is really just seven months pregnant, or the imagination to say one day, "I'm getting my sense of humor tomorrow. Why? God told me so". You laugh at those things and say, so cute! But if an adult said them, you'd probably call them an insensitive or stupid jerk.

There's always that child-like imagination, child-like faith, where the kids are so innocent and so naiive that they'll believe anything you tell them. There's just some sick people out there who would use that to their advantage and tell their kids that killing is okay, death is just a very long nap, or people that do drugs are cool. Or that there's a toothfairy out there or something.

Of course, this is just another pointless blab about children (I think blogs should be called blabs, honestly; it's just blabbering!) but it's fun to think about. Kids. Children. Youngsters. Terrible, annoying little brats who bring joy to your life no matter how much you call them names behind their backs. Even if they are annoying and irritating and never listen and frustrate you to death (I think my mother's thinning hair isn't only credited to old age), they're cute little things (yes, things) and have personalities like everyone else that are so innocent and, sometimes, adorable.

But please, don't start me on adolescence.


Song of the Day: Cathy's Clown - The Everly Brothers

Quote of the Day:

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents don't imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
-Erma Bombeck

What A Beautiful Birth Day!

Today was probably the best birthday I've ever had in my entire life! I have to record this somewhere! First off, from midnight to two, I was reading a story that some person posted online, and it was so amazing! Then I went to bed and I had the best dream ever. The contents are private, hehe.

THEN, when I woke up, my younger sister had created a scavenger hunt for me, and she gave me pretty much a billion presents. It was so fun! Then I went and got my hair cut and styled, and it looks not bad, I must say (though I have to maintain the style now), and after that I went with my mom and my sisters to the park to have a picnic lunch. It was so amazing.

Then I went to Borders at four and found the book I wanted to read (cheap!) and at the last minute, a BEATLES POSTER 75% OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I got that for two dollars and I had a coupon, so, all together it was like 7 bucks. AMAZING!

Then I went to Buca di Beppo for dinner with my youth group, and it was really fun. I loved all my presents, though I'm pretty sentimental so I have to say I loved the cards a little more. Hehe. All together, it's been a really good day. One AMAZING day. I mean, at Buca, the waiters freaking sang to me in ITALIAN and made me blow out candles on a candelabra!!!!!!!!!! I loved every moment of it, and I'm a little sad that it's over, but who cares? I loved it, loved it, loved it! :D

I just had to record it. It was my special day, and I hope everybody had a great day on my birthday. :]

Song of the Day: All Together Now - The Beatles

Poem of the Day:

Laughter - Conrad Aiken

http://www.blackcatpoems.com/a/laughter.html

I Wish

You know that feeling when you want something so badly it actually, physically hurts? I think I've experienced that a lot recently.

I'm sure everyone wants something that badly at least once or twice in their life. If not, then seriously, you must get everything on a silver platter. Or you just don't want anything... The thing I want most right now is to get out of here. I'm tired of living like this, in comfort and so sheltered all the time. It's boring here, I'm tired of the sun (please rain, come back!) and I want to go away so badly it's hurting me. Ugh. I want adventure! People say that I'm going to get homesick really fast and that the other places aren't as good or are all just the same, but I want to see for myself! I want to travel, to study in England (which is one of my dreams!), explore new cultures, see new things, experience new places, etc. And it's not even good enough to go visit. I want to LIVE there. Hence, the studying in England. For a YEAR! That would be so amazing!

Anyway, if life keeps going at such a slow pace for me, I think I may bust. Internally, of course, so no worries to anyone about cleaning up a mess. That just gave me a pretty nasty mental picture.

So anyway, yeah, going out with friends and applying for colleges made that want rise up again in my chest and now I want it so bad I'm stressing myself out. Need to relieve stress!! I stand corrected from yesterday. I may get a heart attack and die any minute now.


Song of the Day: Sailing - Christopher Cross

Poem of the Day:
Travel - Edna St. Vincent Millay

The railroad track is miles away,
And the day is loud with voices speaking,
Yet there isn't a train goes by all day
But I hear its whistle shrieking.

All night there isn't a train goes by,
Though the night is still for sleep and dreaming,
But I see its cinders red on the sky,
And hear its engine steaming.

My heart is warm with friends I make,
And better friends I'll not be knowing;
Yet there isn't a train I'd rather take,
No matter where it's going.

Finally Finals!

Well, I'm pretty new to all this, so I don't have much to write about. I guess I'll start with my day. Finals! People are stressing out about it, but ... I'm not, so that's good. Unless stress equals good grades in the equation of life. But if you add heart palpatations in the mix and anxiety and medication for stress, you'll probably end up with a heart attack. So it's good I'm not stressed, right?

ANYWAY, I have decided I'm pretty addicted. To, well, Paul McCartney. He's one talented guy! Oh! Something awesome happened today too! First is rain. Second; my friend who's stationed in Afghanistan (he's part of the marines) went online to facebook and we got to talk! I haven't talked to him since he left! Which was a few months ago. Long time. Who says facebook isn't helpful? Pfft.

Anyhow, I'm through talking about myself for now. Maybe I'll find something more interesting to talk about. Later.


Song of my Day: Dance Tonight - Paul McCartney

Poem of my Day:
This Is Just To Say - William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold.