We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on. -Amy Marie Walz
I've been feeling kind of out of it lately with my friends, both here and back in California...or wherever they may be now. I've tried to keep in touch, but I feel like I'm putting a lot more effort into it than they are, like they don't feel the need to talk to me. It kind of saddens me, knowing that they're lives are moving on without me. I suppose it's bound to happen, and I'm being selfish, but I still want my friends, you know? It's hard moving on and leaving behind the people I had made such great memories with. Yes, as you can see, it's hard for me to accept change. But the world changes all the time, and it's time for me to move on too. I just hate how emotionally attached I get, and how needy I become. Even with my new friends here, I feel like I'm making a big effort to contact them while they almost never contact me first. See? Again, needy and selfish. I like being liked by everybody, which makes me a little bit like Willy Loman from Death of a Salesman. He wanted to be liked by everyone, but in trying to please them all, he ended up with no friends and, really, no life. In effect, he pushed away his real friends, the one that he had, in order to be liked by everyone else. I feel like that sometimes. I feel like I'm going to be alone all my life, pushing away people who do try to get close to me because I don't realize it until it's too late, or worse; I start becoming really judgemental and unfriendly to them. It's so terrible of me, but sometimes I feel like I can't help it.
I had the strangest dream today too, while I was taking my nap. I had a dream that I was getting married, and I was wearing the ugliest pink dress ever. It was really just a pink top and a pink skirt (makes me shiver now) and I was searching franticly with some random people for something to wear at my own wedding, and I had nothing. I found the shoes and all, but no dress. Strange, no? It gets weirder. So I went back and I saw who my groom was, and it was my dad. And I freaked out and I was desperately trying to think of ways to avoid this, and I thought of divorce, just running off, or just leaving him at the altar. And I was seriously panicking in my dream. And when I woke up and analyzed my dream, I realized that I'm terribly afraid of marrying somebody who is like my dad, someone who will trap me in my life and who will be overbearing. Honestly, dramatic much, right? It was such a weird dream. I guess that's one of my subconscious fears; to get married to someone who's too much like my own dad. If I even get married at all. What a scary thought! To be alone all my life!
So yes. I am an insecure child just wandering around, looking for people who will accept me as their friend. People whom I respect and like myself; otherwise, I'll just be one of those old maids who stay inside all day with their pets as companions. I think it'd be a lot easier to be a hermit once you're older. When I die, will you promise to come to my funeral? Please?
Moving on is simple. It's what you leave behind that makes it difficult.
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