A Snippet of "Ode. Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood"

Then sing, ye birds, sing, sing a joyous song!
And let the young lambs bound
As to the tabor's sound!
We in thought will join your throng,
Ye that pipe and ye that play,
Ye that through your hearts to-day
Feel the gladness of the May!
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

William Wordsworth

Winter Song

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
It rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
To carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love...

They say that things just cannot grow
Beneath the winter snow,
Or so I have been told.

They say we're buried far off
Just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
Cause you're not where you belong:
Inside my arms.

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
And life will find a way.

I'll be your harvester of light
And send it out tonight
So we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
Cause you're not where you belong:
Inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
It rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
To carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?



Yes.

Travel

Sometimes I know I love you better
than all the others I kiss it's funny

but it's true and I wouldn't roll
from one to the next so fast if you

hadn't knocked them all down like
ninepins when you roared by my bed

I keep trying to race ahead and catch
you at the newest station or whistle

stop but you are flighty about
schedules and always soar away just

as leaning from my taxicab my breath
reaches for the back of your neck

-Frank O'Hara, 1950

So Much Love!

Okay, if I ever had an inhibitions about joining a sorority, those are all out the window now. I LOVE my sisters so much! Aaaand I got a Big and a G-big (and a GG-big, a GGG-big, etc.) and they are soooo wonderful!!! My Big is wonderful and so awesome as is my G-big who's on campus. I'm in love.

Pi Beta Phi! Woohoo! I can only imagine it getting better (and probably busier) once I'm initiated. And there is so much love going around. It was so definitely worth it.

I'm in Trouble.

I hadn't thought about how wonderful it would be to be in love till right now. Especially if it's a requited love. Receive kisses and presents and little things along the way and having conversations and dates and all sorts of those things. Goodness. And now I'm in an absolutely amorous state. It would be nice to even be infatuated with someone  I actually know instead of those to-die for celebrities who are much too good for me or older than my parents. I know it sounds weird, but we've all had those. I haven't liked a boy I actually knew since high school. It's pathetic, really. But I haven't thought about it much since; till now, of course. I sound like such a whiny single girl (which I pretty much am) in love with love. Probably shouldn't have watched Love Actually. Should have known, with a title like that. It's got me all hyped and yearning for love and Christmas. Practically the same thing, Christmas and love, because Christmas is so full of love. I should not have watched that movie in October. I don't know how I'm going to survive the rest of the upcoming holidays. Bugger.

Who'da thunk?!

So I joined a sorority. OMG. I know. I never even imagined I'd do such a thing, but now I have and I guess it's been going pretty well. I just pledged today which means, uh, I'm in? It's kinda cool but at the same time a lot of commitment. Didn't I have a rant where I said I wasn't ready to commit...? Oh well. I'm excited. It'll be an interesting experience (and a helluva lot out of my bank account...). I'll have to really find jobs now or something. See if anywhere in Galesburg is hiring. Oh, gosh. I can hardly fit things into my crazy schedule let alone another job. I think I'd kill myself or have a breakdown. Hey, I guess it could be good poetry subjects. Oh man. I guess I'm going to have to find that money somehow. My dad is not going to even touch that. He's got my tuition covered, I've got my sorority tuition covered.

Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?

Unstable Beings

It's funny how transitory our feelings (exclamations, indignations) are. How we can hate something so passionately at one moment and love it the next. How can we love so many things so many different ways? Like, my love for Tom Felton is not the same as the love for my mother. And I can loathe the sun on a sweltering day and crave it so desperately during the bitterly cold winters. How can human emotions be so complicated and yet so...simple? We are a contradiction. Our emotions contradict, our being, even our breath. How can we cool something and warm something with the same breath? That reminds me of a little story I read once where a faun was appalled by the human's capability to do that. Heh.

So in a sense, this is how we exemplify, perhaps unintentionally, that we are God's chosen creation. We exemplify His likeness in little ways. It's, well, strange to think about. Yet God balances Himself out while we teeter dangerously from one side (I HATE you!) to the other (I LOVE you!). We cannot grasp the contradicting emotions and yet our Lord can. Because He's big and perfect. God, our Father who is the perfect, unchanging balance, keeps us unstable beings stable. And we just need to keep our eyes on Him. I love Him for it.

Harry Potter Favorites

So I have FINALLY started reading the books more than a month after the final film (which is so, so long overdue) and I finished the third book last night. I need some way to scream my affection for the characters of Harry Potter and my absolute admiration of J.K. Rowling's imagination, so I turn to blogging! Harmless and perfect.

Warning: SPOILERS for anyone who has not read/seen the Harry Potter books/movies (in which case, get your butt started on reading/watching Harry Potter because you are MISSING OUT BIG TIME!).

Favorite character: Severus Snape. I know I'm not supposed to like him yet and I know he's just supposed to be a greasy git right now, but knowing how brave and admirable and strong and loyal he is in the later books makes me respect him so much. And he's super smart! How else do you become a Hogwarts professor? I like Dumbledore quite a lot too, but I don't like the fact that he's super duper manipulative. It's kind of cool how chill he is and yet firm at the same time. I can see why everyone respects him for sure.

Favorite creature: I don't think I'm very keen on hippogriffs, so I'd say...probably Crookshanks. Go kneazle/cat creature! Hehe. AND UNICORNS!

Favorite subject: I think Charms would be super fun. Cheering Charms, anyone? :D

Favorite professor: Lupin is an awesome professor. He'd be a lot of fun to have. And his obstacle course exam? Who wouldn't want to do that?! I would love it. Although it kinda sucks that he so favors Harry over everyone else :P

And, um, Pottermore? IT'S AWESOME. I can't wait till the site's completely finished!!!

Disney Favorites

Favorite Character: Peter Pan
Favorite Princess: Cinderella
Favorite Prince: Prince Phillip
Favorite Movie: The Fox and the Hound
Movie With The Best Music: The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Favorite Song: So This Is Love
Song I Can't Stop Singing: Once Upon A Dream

The Logical Song

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me.
But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, oh responsible, practical.
And then they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am
I said now watch what you say they'll be calling you a radical,
a liberal, oh fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable.

But at night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am,
Who I am.

Who knows who's so logical.

-Supertramp

Am I Happy? Are You Happy? Are We Happy?

Sometimes I wonder. If I were as suave or as talkative or as charming or as charismatic or as intelligent as some people, would I be happier? Would I be happier if I had more friends? If my friends were closer? If I could befriend someone in an instant instead of needing several months in close proximity? Sometimes I'm just so pathetic. I'm just...who I am. I judge myself more than I judge anyone else. My own sister doesn't like me. Would I be happier if I had people at my feet, wanting to spend every waking moment with me? I should be grateful for the people I have, but I feel like I miss so many opportunities because I can't seem to articulate myself or, well, do anything. I'm not charismatic. I'm awkward, slightly slow, sarcastic, quiet, and self-conscious. Describes a winner, doesn't it?

Maybe it's just me. I could be bringing this on myself by wallowing about it all the time, wishing I could be this or that. I feel misunderstood, unheard, and unappreciated. My sister can go out with friends and be everything she wants to be and I'm stuck at home and at work. My excuse for not hanging out is working, but that's a stupid excuse. I was fine with my job, but now that I hear of people going places and me stuck here, I want, so badly, to fly away. I want to go to another country altogether. This world I live in drives me crazy. I don't want to go back to school. I want to do what I want to do, not what society tells me to do. What do I work for? My future. I work for tomorrow. It will always be tomorrow.

I'm torn between fulfilling my parents' dream of having a college degree and not being scorned by society, but yet I find so much more joy working and making money, even if it's just at a day-to-day job. But then I wonder: is this what I've been studying for my entire life? To stay in my hometown all my life and never move just because I feel comfortable? I always enjoyed being comfortable and settled. But sometimes it seems like God allows me to make a nest here before putting a burning desire in my heart to turn my whole world upside down again.

It probably isn't healthy. I can hardly read without wanting, so badly, to be the author behind a genius idea. I can hardly watch a film without yearning to be there. To be somewhere, doing something. My life is just beginning and already I'm disappointed with it. I want more. I want to suck the marrow out of life and I want to explore this place we call the world. I want to do things I'd only dreamed of. I want to let go of my inhibitions and live freely. I want to live. I want to live. I'm tired of being in my own skin. I'm tired of dreaming. I'm tired of living in my head. Perhaps that's the reason why I can't write well. It's because I lack the experience, either emotional or physical.

Let me out of this cage!

I want to find my moment. I want to have a moment. I want to live. It might not be easy, but I want to try.

Peonies

This morning the green fists of the peonies are getting ready
to break my heart
as the sun rises,
as the sun strokes them with his old, buttery fingers

and they open--
pools of lace,
white and pink--
and all day the black ants climb over them,

boring their deep and mysterious holes
into the curls,
craving the sweet sap,
taking it away

to their dark, underground cities--
and all day
under the shifty wind,
as in a dance to the great wedding,

the flowers bend their bright bodies,
and tip their fragrance to the air,
and rise,
their red stems holding

all that dampness and recklessness
gladly and lightly,
and there it is again--
beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
Do you love this world?
Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath?

Do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden,
and softly,
and exclaiming of their dearness,
fill your arms with the white and pink flowers,

with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling,
their eagerness
to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are
nothing, forever?

-Mary Oliver

Dear Heartbreak

Must you hurt so much? Not to sound cliché, but my heart feels like it'll never be repaired. Do you expect me to try all the time? Never mind. You won't listen if I take that tone. We tried it once and you came then too, awful Heartbreak. Must you hurt so much? Why couldn't I be like that? All stiff and cold and cynical. I wouldn't ever have to worry about a real heartbreak then because I wouldn't have a heart to begin with. Maybe I'm being too harsh.

I can't put into words how much I love -- without sounding like an idiot, but you know, when it comes to -- my heart is soft. It's almost like I'm making up for all the times that I was an idiot, a jerk, a conniving, sneaky, bitter, cynical kid myself. Love is alive and it's everywhere, but why can't -- see that? Why? When they say that they have observed people? Why can't we get along? And why do you come along with --? When we speak, I hate expecting you to come along. I absolutely loathe you.

But are you the only way I am sure that I can still feel? What is the heart without you, oh heartbreak? But what is a heartbreak without the heart? You need to know how to feel love in order to know what losing love feels like. To feel what hurt feels like. And by Job does it hurt. I didn't know I could cry so much around her. It's almost like I'm experiencing high school all over again, except this time with --. Why, Heartbreak? Why do you need to be around me constantly? Is this what I get for feeling?


How would you like it if I just broke you in half? You know, that would work for me. I know for a fact that several of us down here on earth would love you so much more if your last five letters would just disappear for good. Find another planet, or something like that. Jump into the sun. Into something that doesn't have a heart to break. Why can't we all just...get along? Understand each other? Love like there's no tomorrow? Why do you hinder us, Heartbreak? Why do you hinder us?


Sincerely,

A recent victim

Harry bloody Potter, what have you done to me?

I CAN'T STOP BLOODY TALKING ABOUT HARRY BLOODY POTTER!!!! It's driving my family mad, it's driving me mad because I have so much information I want to share, and I need someone to listen to me rant about how I'm beginning to like Rupert Grint more than Tom Felton because of reasons a, b, and c, and how excited I am for the movies and rant and rant about their acting and their future careers as actors! RAAAH. Oh, and also to rant about how amazing they are. RANT RANT RANT

It's just not the same when I rant to nobody...my mouth is exploding and all I can hear, think, or see is Harry Potter.
HARRY POTTER HARRY POTTER HARRY POTTER HARRY POTTER

EEEEEE!!!!! I am so excited for the last movie to come out!!!!!

Just Around The River Bend

What I love most about rivers is you can't step in the same river twice.
The water's always changing, always flowing.
But people, I guess, can't live like that.
We all must pay a price.
To be safe we lose our chance in ever knowing

What's around the river bend
Waiting just around the river bend.
I look once more, just around the river bend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send just around the river bend
For me, coming for me.

I feel it there beyond those trees or right behind these waterfalls.
Can I ignore the sound of distant drumming?
For a handsome sturdy husband who builds handsome sturdy walls
And never dreams that something might be coming just around the river bend
Just around the river bend.

I look once more, just around the river bend
Beyond the shore
Somewhere past the sea
Don't know what for
Why do all my dreams extend just around the river bend?
Just around the river bend?

Should I choose the smoothest course, steady as the beating drum?
Should I marry Kokoum?
Is all my dreaming at an end?
Or do you still wait for me, dream-giver
Just around the river bend?

The Week to Piss Emily Off!

1. Give her a full body sunburn that'll hurt for days.
2. Make a blister appear on her toe after she wears heels.
3. Force her to have two enormous cold sores on her lip.
4. Make her period come while she sleeps.
5. Put her in pain and ruin her face so that she decides to be anti-social.
6. Have her family stop and stare and laugh every time they see her.

Success.

Pushing Daisies. And No More Finals!

I love Pushing Daisies. I love Ned. I love Ned. I love Lee Pace. I love Lee Pace. I love Lee Pace. (Are you convinced yet?)

I think it's very interesting how low Olive's shirts get later and later in the episodes and how fashionable she looks in this picture. I'm also intrigued as to why there aren't any daisies in this picture like all the others...though I guess Anna Friel's dress works out. (I LOVE THAT SHE'S BRITISH.)
And here is my beloved:

He has gray eyes that don't really come out when he's against a really bright blue background. Brown hair, gray eyes...adorable awkwardness...that's the works, my friends. Watching Pushing Daisies with my favorite person at Knox has gotten me back into that funk. I LOVE this funk.

Venting Because I Can't Articulate My Feelings Out Loud

Maybe the reason I have such an animosity against men and personal relationships with boys is, besides the fact that none of the ones that surround me appeal to me, all of them are jerks. And personal relationships just create such a...such a strain on your lifestyle and your physical and mental health. Take my parents for an example. Both of them are headstrong, but because of my parents' views of conservative social gender roles, my dad has to dominate my mom and not only that but treats her like crap. He can wine and dine her all he wants on their little dates and trips, but when push comes to shove, she's the one that has to take care of the kids and the grandparents and the house and the food while he makes the money and orders her around and picks on her when he's angry. Who does that? A five year old. And the fact that he can't interact with his kids, that he's at a loss of words when we try to have a conversation; it hurts his family and ruins relationships. My mom becomes the mediator and I just...I just never want to be in that kind of relationship, ever. It turns me off on the idea of marriage in general. I'm sure there's happy couples, and I love seeing that. There's so few of those in the world now.

And recently I heard of two semi-personal instances where a husband was cheating on his wife, and that's just wrong. I can't even express how wrong it is. When you come into a relationship, you put so much trust into one person. They're only human, they'll fail you. But to cheat? That's just despicable. I think that's probably the absolute worst possible thing to do. It makes me, and I'm sure other people, so angry that people have the audacity to cheat on their loved ones or their spouses. You can blame it on everything under the sun, but it doesn't make the fact that you did the deed any better. It's wrong, period. That trust between loved ones is so important and so dangerous. Trust is fragile, and just seeing mankind being this way makes me think that I can't put my trust into any romantic relationship because we're all humans, and humans have temptations and make mistakes. And I don't know if I can deal with that.

And here's another thought. Maybe marriage should be illegal for straight people. People take marriage for granted, just like it's the next step in the love instruction manual or something. Maybe if people were just barred from getting married in general they would appreciate it more and appreciate the bond that it gives them. It's not just something on a piece of paper. It's a big commitment. If commitment scares you, then back off because marriage isn't for you. And it's not for everybody. Instead of doing it just to be unhappy in the end, just don't do it. Then you won't add to the 40+% of couples getting divorced in the world.

As I Sit Here and Eat My Sandwich...

...and memorize a French poem for French class, I've come to realize how much I appreciate my professor's attempt to introduce us to the French culture. Even if it's a little old school. But I'm memorizing a poem now by Charles Baudelaire, and I have to say, he has become one of my favorite poets. Even if it's all in French, this poem is wonderful. Another reason to continue to learn, as my professor would say, "the beautiful French language." It really is, you know. So this poem, by the wonderful (and slightly pessimistic) Charles Baudelaire, is entitled "Get Drunk." Yes, funny title, I know. But it's a wonderful poem about immersing yourself in life, whether it be on wine or poetry or virtues. I love English poems, and learning French will just be another culture to get into. And this is just a little snippet of it, written by Baudelaire.

Enivrez-vous!

Il faut étre toujours ivre. Tout est là: c’est l’unique question. Pour ne pas sentir l’horrible fardeau du Temps qui brise vos epaules et vous penche vers la terre, il faut vous enivrer sans trêve. 

Mais de quoi? De vin, de poésie ou de virtue, à votre guise, Mais enivrez-vous, Et si quelquefois

sur les marches d’un palais, sur l’herbe verte d’un fosse, dans la solitude morne de votre 

chambre, vous vous reveillez, l’ivresse déjà diminuée ou disparue, demandez au vent, à la vague, 

à l’étoile, à l’oiseau, à l’horloge, à tout ce qui fuit, à tout ce qui gémite, à tout ce qui roule, à tout ce 

qui chante, à tout ce qui parle, demandez quelle heure il est: et le vent, la vauge, l’étoile, l’oiseau, 

l’horloge, vous répondront: “Il est l’heure de s’envirer. Pour n’étre pas les esclaves martyrisés du 

Temps, enivrez-vous. Enivrez-vous sans cesse! De vin, de poésie ou de vertue, à votre guise.” 

Get Drunk!

Always be drunk. That's it : the great imperative. In order not to feel Time's horrid fate burden 

on your shoulders and grind you into the earth, get drunk and stay that way. 

On what? On wine, poetry or virtue, as you please, But get drunk, And stay that way, And if sometimes

On the porches of a palace, in the green grass of a ditch, in the dismal loneliness of your

room, you wake up, your drunkenness gone or disappearing, as the wind, the wave,

the star, the bird, the clock, everything that flees, everything that groans, everything that rolls, everything that

sings, everything that speaks, ask what time it is; and the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, 

the clock, will respond: "It is time to get drunk! Don't be martyred slaves of 

Time, get drunk; Get drunk without stop! On wine, on poetry or virtue, as you please."


-Charles Baudelaire

When it's hard to move on...

“I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now."
-Sophia Loren

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”
- Lewis B. Smedes

Come on Alice! It's time for the tea party boogie!

Le cancre

Il dit non avec la tête

Mais il dit oui avec le coeur

Il dit oui à ce qu’il aime

Il dit non au professeur

Il est debout

On le questionne

Et tous les problèmes sont posés

Soudain le fou rire le prend

Et il efface tout

Les chiffres et les mots

Les dates et les noms

Les phrases et les pièges

Et malgré les menaces du maître

Sous les huées des enfants prodiges

Avec des craies de toutes les couleurs

Sur le tableau noir du malheur

Il dessine le visage du bonheur.

Jacques Prévert

Forgetfulness

The name of the author is the first to go

followed obediently by the title, the plot,

the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel

which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor

decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,

to a little fishing village where there are no phones. 

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye,

and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,

and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,

the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay. 

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember

it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,

not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river

whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,

well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those

who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle. 

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night

to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.

No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted

out of a love poem that you used to know by heart. 

-Billy Collins, 1991

Post Flunk Day Blues

It's been a pretty terrible week. A really off-week. I've been slacking off and sleeping like a bear in hibernation and lazing around and nursing a sore throat. It's been bothering me for awhile now, so I looked it up on WebMD (since I don't even know where the health center is here at Knox) and it could either be viral pharyngitis (and most likely is) or mono...which I don't think could be too possible since I didn't really have a high fever. Erm, yeah. Anyway, so it's been an off-week. Staying in bed a lot, doing my own thing, not going to class, skipping my test and quiz, etc. Not a good day. Hopefully I'll get over this laziness by next week and I'll be back to normal. I just wish this stupid sore throat would go away. It makes me feel disoriented.

IT'S FLUNK DAY!...or it was.

HAPPY BELATED FLUNK DAY!

So my school is awesome because it has a holiday all its own that no one knows the date of until the day of its celebration! Yesterday morning at 5:30 a.m., we were woken up by the Flunk Day Friers, who were very, very loud, and my roommate got really excited and turns out it wasn't a false alarm; it was Flunk Day, a.k.a. a huge party that the school allows with no classes! So this is pretty much what my schedule looked like:

6:20 a.m.- Time to drink some.
6:30 a.m.- Mud pit! Who knew mud was so much fun with so many people?
6:50 a.m.- Foam pit! Woo! Soapy bubbles! Mud+Foam=A huge mess after we're done playing :)
7-ish a.m.- Breakfast! Never tasted so good...
7:30 a.m.- Time to get cleaned up and shower...twice.
8:00 a.m.- Ran around and played, got candy, etc.
10:00 a.m.- Went to drink with a friend. I've never gotten drunk so early in the morning. It might be unethical, but hey, it was Flunk Day!

I don't remember specific times for everything else, but heck, it was so much fun. And there was GIANT JENGA TOO! I love Jenga, and being able to pile huge Jenga blocks together was so fun. Haha! My inebriation didn't last very long, though. And my day ended at 8 p.m. when I finally went to sleep 'cause I was so tired. And then I Skyped my mom, hehe. ;) I should probably take another shower. I still smell...erm, unclean. :)

Best. Day. Ever.

Quotations by Alexander Pope

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

-Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

A little learning is a dangerous thing;
drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:
there shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
and drinking largely sobers us again.

-Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism

So...delicious...

Doesn't this look so good? I'm salivating. I want some right now. Could also be the fact that I'm quite hungry at the moment. It's just so beautiful and tasty-looking! Oh yes, and this is a pretty mousse dessert by Osamu Uchida.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low and the debts are high;
And you want to smile but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit--
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are;
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things go wrong that you musn't quit.

-Author Unknown-

The Call

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry

I'll come back,
When you call me
No need to say goodbye.

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war.

Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye.
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye.

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet.
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget.

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes.

You'll come back when they call you,
No need to say goodbye.
You'll come back when they call you,
No need to say goodbye.

-Regina Spektor

After Hours.

I love this song. And it's been stuck in my head all day and after hours. Also, the animation is adorable and pretty good, I think.

A Great Joke from my Astronomer Professor.

Descartes was sitting at a cafe, smoking his cigar. A waiter came up and asked him, "Would you like some more coffee, monsieur?" And Descartes said, "I think not." And he disappeared.

Who knew math and science guys could be so witty?

Saying goodbye to Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr...

I will not be a slave to social networking sites. I will not subject myself to things that society says we need to have. I can survive without it. I can survive without the need to conform to everyone else. I will do it, and I'll feel better because of it. I am not a slave to these social networking sites, and I will not be.

O Me! O Life!

O ME! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer. That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

-Walt Whitman, 1900.

Going Mad.

I'm more social than I let everyone else on to be. It's just hard to express myself to people, I guess. I love people but I can't seem to be all that much of an invigorating speaker to keep people interested. I just don't know what to do or say. I haven't really gone out to dinner with anyone for awhile because everyone else has someone else to have dinner with. It's really depressing, actually, and I've been holed up in my room for awhile. I hate it. I need to find something to do before I go insane! I used to be able to stay in all day doing nothing, but it's not like that any longer. I need something to do. NOW. Although that's not going to happen. Ugh. I suppose I could do homework, but that's for tomorrow. What am I going to do? I feel pretty lame right now, sitting here the whole day, doing things, being anti-social. I try to be social, really, but it's hard when everyone's got someone else and I've got no one. I can't even imagine being at a bigger school. That would've driven me nuts.

Also, today is a rap day. Mm mm, British and French rap!

Song of the Day: I'm A Loser - The Beatles

The Best and Shortest Conversation Ever.

Him: Can't sleep, anyone else awake when they should be asleep? I'm quite chatty considering its 6am!

Me: It's 2 am here and I can't sleep either. Thank goodness tomorrow's a weekend!

Him: love that its the weekend too!

It's ironic that we had this "conversation" on a social networking site I had sworn off (till I found out he had one, of course. Then I couldn't help myself). Made my WEEK, and will make my week every time I read it!

♥

So Tired of All This

I am so tired of waiting and dreaming and wishing for things. I know it tests my patience, but I also feel like such a loser. I wish for guy friends that actually care about me, but I only have a small number of male acquaintances who aren't really interested in getting to know me. I feel strange in approaching guys, and I wonder why. I'm always wishing for friends so I won't feel so lonely, which is how I feel most of the time. I can't even find a freaking roommate for next year. I'm so freaking desperate that I disgust myself. But what can I do? Be more outgoing and social, right. That's so hard, and I try but I am so self-conscious and I don't know what to say to keep up a conversation that I start beating a dead horse and people stop talking to me because of it. It sucks and I don't know how to change it. Can it even be helped? Or am i curare wit tris forever? Waiting for love and life to begin, wishing for the ability to make good friends wherever I go, dreaming for a better tomorrow. I'm tired of it all, but I don't know what to do.

In Love...With the Unattainable.

I love you so much, you make me cry.
Just kidding. I can't cry.
I don't even know what I'd do
If I met you
But I wish it anyway! And just so you know:
I love you.
Did I say that already?

Spring is Here!

Spring break = too short.

Nice to be back? I guess.

Time to do work? Don't even talk to me about that yet. I still have two more days of "slacking off" though I'm getting too anxious to even pretend to procrastinate.

Oh, California. How far away you are! But now it's time for some Modern Family. Homework is for tomorrow. Better get out of this habit fast!

No spring fever yet, please!

Demi Lovato in REHAB?!

Come on, Disneyl. I know you guys pressure your Disney channel actors a lot, but not this badly! Physical and emotional reasons for rehab? Come on. And seriously, aren't you guys pretty good at hiding this stuff? I mean, look at all the things that "don't happen" at the "happiest place on earth!" :)

The Tunnel in Between Life and Death

Here's my little attempt at an acrostic poem. It's rather fun to write, I think.

The footsteps I take in the tunnel are quiet. I see
light as it grows brighter with each step I take. There
is the sound of my footsteps reverberating on the street,
gone before my ears can register the sound. There in the distance is
forever, the eternity that awaits me after my death.

Are You Real?

Isn't it strange where you stay away so long that your memories seem like your own imagination? You begin to think, did I really meet those people? Did those conversations really happen? There's no proof, no evidence of this. There are the phone calls, but you can't listen to those again. And anyway, you have a new phone now. People become a part of your past, and you forget they exist when they are out of sight. Then you remember for a brief second during a phone conversation, or while watching a movie, or laying in bed thinking, and longing overwhelms you. Longing to see those faces of your past again, faces that you know were solid and familiar and so real. But then the moment passes, and you're left with your failing memories again, questioning yourself to the heavens and back. Did that really happen? Did we really speak? Did we really know each other the way we thought?

Memories are just a figment that can be toyed with until they are no longer memories, but figments of one's imagination.

Animosity? Or Some Bad Wiring?

I have decided today that I'm going to lay off on "having crushes" and "searching for my future boyfriend/husband" like so many girls I know do. Men annoy me because of their stupidity when it comes to relationships and lack of maturity and responsibility, and women are way too complicated. And, well, I'm very much straight. I'm just going to be focusing on my career, my studies, and stay like this: an inexperienced girl in relationships, and I'm fine with that. I've started to create this animosity towards males for some reason. I mean, I love them in general, don't get me wrong, but the guys I've met are just...not great. I can't find it in myself to respect the ones I know, and the ones I don't know are just that; strangers. And I feel so much more comfortable with women than I do men.

Call me crazy, or psychotic, but it's just the way I've been wired. Maybe I had a bad experience with them or something, I don't know. All I know is that they've disappointed me way too many times and hurt me by their insensitivity and disinterest in whatever I say or do. I have found at least two who aren't totally (but are a little) all of the above, but still. I can't remember a time I hadn't had a crush on a guy, till now that is, and I just keep remembering how needy I was, needy for male attention (ugh).

Friends are what I need. Relationships are just too much of a hassle, too much unwanted drama. I'm sure some people would tell me I need to experience it at least once in my life, but we'll see. At this moment, I've realized how much I've missed. I wasted so much time fawning over boys and crushes and the like. Being single is just something that must be embraced, and with it comes a whole door to new opportunities. After all, with all this complaining and animosity, isn't it pretty obvious I'm not ready to commit myself to that kind of relationship? I thought I was in the past, but really, I'm kind of flighty. :)

My Swan Song for the Term

Today, my classes technically ended. No more poetry workshops, no more French till next term (except for the final...), and no more math (that I can be happy about), but my other classes were wonderful, and I was sad that they were ending already. But funnily enough (not really) I'm beginning to miss home. Miss all my comforts, my friends, my car, my house, easy access to the stores, my suburbs, my CALIFORNIA!!!

I miss it all. And I really do love it here, it's just...I'm tired. Tired of studying, of classes, of all that jazz. What I really want to do is just sleep all day without having to stress out about papers and deadlines and all that. Without having to memorize another darn poem in French, just relaxing. Gosh, I'm glad my terms are only ten weeks long. I would die if they were longer. How did I ever survive in high school?

Anyway, that's my little rant. Watching Modern Family probably doesn't help. That show even makes me miss my parents, and that's a stretch. Who knows, I may be tired of home by the end of spring break. Right now, though, I'm still a baby. And I'm still acting like one. But hey, what can I say? I'm only a freshie. :)

Isn't She Lovely?

A Sonnet for a Gentleman

It’s hard to forget you,
With the way your looks made me twirl,
And your smile made me a fool for you,
Along with every other girl.
Because you were a catch,
Girls loved you, so I stayed away, hoping
Foolishly, that you’d snatch
Me up in your arms instead of scoping—
But you were always more than that.
A prince in shining armor, with manners
That many a girl would poke at
To see if you were not an enchanter.

It’s a loss that I sit here and regret,
With memories of you that I try to forget.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

The Different Philosophies to Life

1. Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. -Hans Christian Anderson

2. When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." -Erma Bombeck

3. I really think everyone should have watercolors, magnetic poetry, and a harmonica. -Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

4. To live is to love, and to love is the greatest commandment of all.

5. Darling, don't let's ever be afraid of things. It's such dreadful slavery. Let's be daring and adventurous and expectant. Let's dance to meet life and all it can bring to us, even if it brings scads of trouble and typhoid and twins! -Anne, Anne of Windy Poplars

6. The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity. -The Alchemist

7. So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose from where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them. I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they are upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad. -Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

8. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Feed the Hungry.

Happy New Year 8 Days Late.

And so this new year ends just like the others. There are the few regrets that will soon be forgotten, the romance that I created in my head, the romance I read and drank up in substitute for my lack of one, and I’m the same. Sure I may be a bit more knowledgeable than before, a little thinner or fatter, and I have a new haircut, but really that’s all that’s different. This year will pass and it seems inevitable that the next year will pass the same way. Welcome 2011. As with each and every year before you, I pray that you will be a better year than the last.