Change.

When I turn away, I leave everything forever. I leave behind my childhood, my friends, life as I know it. My comfort is shattered by change, and I know it'll never be the same again. Though it's inevitable, something I've really been looking forward to as a child, I realize that my home is where I want to stay. I want to keep the friends that I've made, I want to live the life I've lived for the last 18 years. I don't want change to come, and I don't want to deal with a new life. I've always had a difficult time with change. Perhaps change is what helps me move on. It helps me to move on from the dramas I've needed to create in my head, gives me a breath of fresh air in a dusty house I've stayed in all my life.

And that's where I think I want change, but a drastic one. To fall off the face of the earth for awhile is the kind of change that I'd like. To go travel and see new faces without having to deal with the old. I get tired of always having to deal with the drama and the people who make the drama. I'm tired of the same old lifestyle.

Have you ever felt this way? Contradicted? If I ever left, it would always have to be in the heat of the moment, or I'd lose my adrenaline and reason for doing so. I'm sucked back into my comfortable bubble and I'm drugged on the smooth rhythm of the life I've always lived.

Does this mean change is bad? To leave old friends and to see that things will never really be the same between you again? To see time take its toll and break friendships that had been sworn to last forever?

Or is it good? To meet new people and see new faces and experience new experiences? To let go of the old friends that don't last and make new ones to hopefully last longer? It's questions and conflicts like these that roll around in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one...

My Experience with Books

Reading has always been a big part of my life. I've read books ranging from mystery to thriller to romance to adventure and to a little bit of everything. Children's, adults, youths, I've read a lot. Not most of them, because really, how many books are there in the world? But I've come to realize that what I read, or at least what I'm interested in reading, always has to do with my yearning for something. For what I want in my life.

For example, when I was in elementary school, I wanted to have adventure in my life, and I wanted to travel to different places and time periods. So I indulged in books like The Boxcar Children series, The Jungle Book, Charles Dickens' books, fiction books about King Arthur's adventures, and all the books that were on the mystery section in my elementary school's library shelf. I was able to disappear into another world. I suppose that's another thing that the Harry Potter series brought to me too, only I read it when I was older.

In junior high I wanted to have someone to compare myself to. Someone that could relate with me. And I found that in Holden Caulfield in The Catcher in the Rye. I felt it was like a book written with me as the character. Confused, conflicted, having a need to be pure but wanting to break out at the same time. I also wanted romance, which, and I am now disgusted, but it came to me in Twilight. I'm sickened just hearing the title now, but back then I loved the idea of just being loved and protected. Obviously that changed when my favorite character was rejected and the fourth book came out. Enough said.

In high school I wanted romance. So romance is what I read. I didn't go delve into the erotica or those books with sex and all. Just fluffy romance. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Reading fanfiction has been my secret obsession. Because of that I've read romance of all sorts. Bad boy, good boy, secret romance, dangerous romance, seductive, careful, adventurous, careless. I've read stories of unrequited love (much of which I have experienced), of stories full of angst and mystery. It's pathetic, really. As I grew older and matured (thankfully) I still wanted romance, but I wanted something deeper with more meaning. Something that would move me. So I moved onto Plato's Allegory of the Cave, Machiavelli (thanks to my English teacher), and The Alchemist, poetry, and The Road. I became more in-tune with different writing styles and became more aware of structure rather than just story.

But of course, I have my favorites. One of them will always be The Princess Bride. It's the perfect blend of all the categories I stated above. It's a great book by William Goldman. If you haven't seen the movie with Cary Grant and Robin Wright, it's fantastic (and you're slightly behind). But honestly, to me the book is better, though they're practically identical. It's just fantastic. So yes! I recommend The Princess Bride by William Goldman. It's a great read, 500 or so pages, and so worth it for someone who's into those tales of true love and high adventure. And Goldman puts in his witty humor into it too which is so entertaining. Take a read!

Beauty? Where?

Sometimes I wish my life could be more exciting, like that of a movie star or a celebrity. But I’m not them and I don’t live their lives, so I have to make do with what I have. Excitement comes in the form of a new book or a new haircut. Occasionally it comes in a lovely gift or a new cooking recipe my family tries out (I can’t cook for my life, so it wouldn’t be me trying it). It only lasts for at least a day or two, and then I fall back into my monotonous life. Sometimes those excitements make me glad I live in the life I do, but on a day-to-day basis, I wish for something else. But as the Christmas season begins, I realize that I would never change my life for another’s. It’s just, well, my life. And though I’m probably brooding on this subject too much, I’m glad for it, and I know Thanksgiving has passed already, but I’m thankful for my family and friends in my life, and I think I should be thankful for them every day. I know I may be just a regular 5’6” teenager who goes to a college no one knows about and doesn’t have the hundreds of friends other people may have, but I’m happy. I’m happy with myself and my life and my family and my friends, and what more could I ask for? In the words of an anonymous wise person, happiness never comes to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. What I already have is good, and I appreciate it for what it is. I am not Emma Watson and I am not J.K. Rowling, but I am who I am, and that is little ol’ me. I think everyone should appreciate themselves for who they are. A person can’t be as thin as they’d like, or as smart or as good-looking as the celebrity they idolize, but every person is different and is beautiful in their own way. Call it a bunch of narcissistic crap, but I believe it, and I wish that everyone could believe it. Beauty comes in so many different forms; it only takes a moment to know that there is beauty in every person you meet. Doesn’t that just add more excitement into life knowing that?