Yeah!

Today, out of extreme boredom in the very early morning (8 a.m.) where I had absolutely nothing to do, I revisited my xanga, the blog that all kids had in junior high at my age. And I can't believe I was such a dork! Hahaha! I wrote a lot too about my days and stuff. Pretty interesting. I was a swimmer, had a major crush on some guy I never even talked to again after freshmen year, had no drama, and, seemingly, no real problems. Haha, well, look at me now. All mature and stuff. Yeah right. xD

It's funny looking at those blogs that I wrote in eighth grade and freshmen year, and I think to myself, dang, it's already been 4 years since I've done that. And I've changed so much! i used 2 write like this, not much diff, but actually alot when you come 2 think abt it. :] so many acronyms and stuff. who didnt write like this tho, rite? teehee

Yeah, but anyway, that stuff makes me feel all grown-up, and it shows me how I've changed. Funny, hm? I'm quite glad I changed a lot, or else I would've been doomed to be a dork all my life...though that seems to be inevitable anyway. -.-

I feel like an only child with all my sisters gone! They're all at school, and one of my younger younger sisters woke me up when she was getting ready for school. At seven something! I was dead. I guess it's good practice for when I start classes in college. But now I'm awake and pretty bored. So...that's why I was looking at my xanga and myspace and stuff, haha. Stuff I probably won't look at again for awhile. Yay, Facebook! :] I wonder why they never made a movie on myspace or blogs...hmm.

Well, my eyes are extremely puffy right now from crying like a baby yesterday over nothing. Yeah, I admit it, I cry. I'm not sure why I started but I started thinking about stuff and it just made me cry. And I'm not talking about sentimental stuff. Just about my dad. I don't like talking about him to people much because he's a pastor and all and I don't want to give him a bad rep, or make my friends think that all pastors are like that at home, but he's kind of, you know, critical and not very affectionate to his kids. He got upset yesterday because he had to pick up my sister from school and drop her off at swimming. Like, what the heck? Can't even do that? And he was like, I have a schedule, you need to tell me beforehand. Well, kids and their schedules are unpredictable in itself. You just gotta get used to it. And I think I was all weepy because I feel like he never really tried to get to know me, and now I'm leaving and my dad knows nothing about me. He knows how I was at nine, ten years old. And thats it. To tell you the truth, I've been avoiding him at home because just talking to him makes me nervous. Should a kid really be that afraid of her father? I just feel...blah, I don't know. This is weird that I'm writing this on a blog. I suppose no one really reads this anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Anyway, I'm just ranting about nothing. I really shouldn't be saying this stuff, but sometimes it's hard to keep burying the bad feelings I have towards my dad. Every time he lectures me, I've taken a habit to start weeping like a wimpy kid, which I sort of am when it comes to my dad. I know why, I guess, but it makes me feel like a little kid admitting to it. But, I guess I never stopped acting like a little kid to him. I guess that's why I'm so hard and callused and all sarcastic to people. I could be the nicest person, but I could also be quite mean to people too if I don't like them or resepct them, and sometimes I see instances where I'm just like my dad. It's funny because I always feel like I have to be the "tough guy" in my family, being the oldest and because there's no one else, really. It gets tiring sometimes, to be responsible all the time, and I guess that's why I want to get away so bad. It's formed my good attributes, though, like being responsible, being punctual; stuff like that.

This feeling is just something to get over, I suppose. My only regret, now that I'm leaving, is that I never really got to build a relationship with my dad. I guess that might be partly my fault, but it's too late now.

Haha, wow, this blog was full of blah blah blah. Lots of random thoughts popping up and about. Yeah, I feel better after writing this, though. It's the Eldest Princess all over again. Can't wait to get away. New life, new love, new interests, new friends, but never a new family. So I have to make do with what I got! Yeah!